I try to visit his grave site to feel closer to him, but it isn't easy. Mostly because the same body of the man who let me hide in his suit jacket when I was 4 and scared, or held my hand, or hugged me on my wedding day was now in the ground. I still feel like in the winter I want to put heaters all around his gravesite and make things nicer for him. His hands are so deep in the ground. And, I wish they were warm again.
Memorial day is a nice day to visit this little corner of the cemetery and see that things are still beautiful. My Dad loved bright colors and he loved marigolds. He was a scientist in a white lab coat, and he was a very hard worker. He read/listened to more books than I could ever dream of and he loved all the Twilight Zone episodes. He was a hippie, and he had a quiet subtle sense of humor that I miss. When I look in the sky at night and think of all the things he is seeing now without the limitations of his body, I wish I could be there to see them too. And though it is terribly quiet, I know he is still near.
My mom and dad were married in the LDS temple which seals couples for time and eternity. It was a sacrifice for them to wait and do things that way, but I am SO glad they did. They were sealed with power and I chose the same for me. It means the world to me to have that sealing power in our life and in the lives of our kids.
Death sucks... but life can suck too. Somewhere in all of this, we are being shaped for bigger things. Thank goodness my dad taught me that when I feel sad I can listen to some Simon and Garfunkel, get the sad out of my system, and then turn the music off and move on.
To My Dad
Kate Cowan
In blue bands of stars,
expanding above my head,
he still laughs with me.
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