30 things to do before I turn 30

Ok, I guess I have to make this official already. Many moons ago, I was turning 25 and my roommate was turning 30. She and I made lists and went ahead crossing things off. Now, five years later, it was a little overwhelming to do this all over again. My last big list ended with jumping out of an airplane on my 25th birthday. Things have changed slightly. I am a stay at home mom and I can't exactly take my one yr old bungee jumping with me. So, this list had to have plenty of variety.

 It took a while to get some ideas. I looked up many, many lists of other people who were turning 30 and they were all the types of things I don't do, have already done, or they were things that would take longer than four months to complete. Considering the circumstances, I think this is a pretty good list.

30 things to do before I turn 30
 Started groundhog day 2/2/2012 ends on 6/2/2012
1. Read the entire Book of Mormon
2. Complete a puzzle by myself (at least 500 pieces)
3. Cook one complicated recipe from Julia Child
4. Write 30 letters to 30 people
5. Attend the Holi festival
6. Fulfill my commitment and sing for the residents of an assisted living
7. Take my daughter to the zoo
8. For Lent this year, give up buying anything "new"
9. Take my daughter to a children's reading hour
10. Make my own "mommy file"
11. Roll my own sushi
12. Clean and detail my own car
13. Plan a special Valentine's dinner for my husband
14. Watch 10 movies from the 1930's
15. Bake 12 new cookie recipes
16. Learn to polish shoes
17. Take a ceramics class and make something start to finish all by myself
18. Do an act of service for someone who needs it
19. Make something special for my family
20. Practice yoga at least 30 days
21. Discover a new musician and get the album
22. Take 30 photographs
23. Discover a new author and read one of their books
24. Submit some of my writing to a writing contest
25. Write a children's book
26. Try a new type of food or restaurant
27. Take my daughter for her first taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant
28. Go to the Natural History museum
29. Get my own cowboy boots from a thrift store and go to my first rodeo
30. Enter and ride in a formal bike race/ride.

 Yes. There you have it. On my birthday I will probably be biking, baking, or writing somewhere. Please comment if you have suggestions, ideas, or advice. The next four months should be a lot of fun.

Thoughts while cleaning my kitchen...

While cleaning my kitchen today, I got to thinking about the world we live in. I have just recently switched to a new gym. This one has a row of twenty t.v.'s blaring many different stations while I'm trying to focus on what I am doing. My husband and I for many reasons have chosen not to have t.v. at our house. While many people groan at the thought, it has given us some real peace. We have Netflix and choose movies or t.v. shows off Hulu instead. While the commercials are still present our peace comes from not having to see many things that are just in my opinion, smut and dirt.

 I hate dr. Oz and I hate the Oprah Winfrey network and the things that are advertised. I think reality television (if you can call that reality) brings out the worst in people. It is a step lower than good old mr. Donahue, Jerry Springer, and Ricki Lake of the old days. The real housewives of Orange County is somehow always on when I need to switch to my cardio routine and I wonder to myself why people like watching it.

 The Super Bowl was last night and we joined family to eat some excellent food together during the game. Everyone knows the commercials are what makes the game worth the watch. Well, almost every other ad featured some woman dressed like a sleeze, in a strappy outfit with her breasts busting out, or in a bikini. I ask, since when did sexy equal no clothes? Are we that ridiculous and primitive that the only thing that excites and stimulates is extra skin and photoshopped cleavage? As my friend calls it, we are surrounded by " live porn."
 Maybe the reason this is really getting to me is that I have a daughter that is barely a year old. Someday she will come across a number of these examples.... Children's clothes that are designed to amp her sex appeal, people that create themselves through fake means that nothing real will be left.   What is to keep her from believing her sex appeal is all she will have to offer?  She is growing up in a world where if someone doesn't like their body, all they have to do is get surgery or alter themselves in photoshop or just erase who they are altogether and live out their life on the internet as someone else. Now, I know this sounds preachy and believe me, I have my own struggles with self image. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking your best.... But I have had to be wary of that line where I am becoming something I am not.

 Earlier, as I got my flat tire fixed, I looked through the reading materials trying to be positive about the world. It was hard but I had to pull myself away from the several newspaper articles about the coward Josh Powell and his hellish and nauseating actions. (Sometimes the media dwells on something so much that I have to step away for a while.) People magazine can be very addicting for me but I have tried to stay away from it. Usually I just feel fat and angry when I am done reading it. But today I saw an old headline on People's cover. It read: "Elizabeth Smart engaged!"

 It really hit me that in this world, a place where people are so often giving in to the wrong influences and where some fall victim to the madness of others, there is still hope. This girl endured hell. I remember when she was abducted. I was in college and was feeling so scared something that horrible could happen. I expected the worst for many months and dutifully made sure my window was locked every night. Then one day, it was over... And not like everyone expected. She was safe and ok and now, almost 10 years later... She is getting married. She is making a difference and fighting back. She isn't a victim anymore, claiming the rest of her life as hers.

 Now that is the type of example I would love my daughter to learn from. Not the Kardashians or the latest Disney channel tween who will sell out within a few years and get hooked on drugs or plastic surgery. But here is someone real, who believed in God instead of holding on to anger because she had to go through what she did.

 It is getting harder and harder to stand up for what you believe in without offending someone, but I am grateful for all the many people that teach love, kindness, strength, hope and while we are at it... even modesty.

A Few Firsts and What The Rolling Stones Taught Me

Last night I spent most of the night up with my baby, rocking her, talking peacefully in her ears and humming to her so that she might stop crying.  Our one and only daughter is almost past the definition of "baby."  She is a few days shy of turning one year old.

She has been very healthy until now and though the Dr. today couldn't find anything really wrong with her, I  just kept thinking that she probably caught the cold I've had and have been trying to ignore for a week. As I struggled keeping her little body still and relaxed and as she cried and screamed at me to make things better, I felt frustrated.  What can I do?  Everything felt hopeless as she wriggled and batted away at the bottle I thought might help.

Then I remember that everything to her is a first.  Everything is brand new... well except for maybe the taste of a bottle, the feel of her car seat and our goofy smiles at her when she wakes up.

But this low-grade fever, the taste of spaghetti, and even the clown fish swimming at the Dr.'s office are just a few firsts for her.  Feeling an ache in your muscles and a throat as thick as sand is all new.  It was the first time she didn't really feel good.

Our daughter is in fact, a first for me.  She was my first diaper change and the first living thing without feathers, scales or fur that depended on me for everything.  (Pets were nothing compared to what a baby needs.)

I still remember that first ride home from the hospital.   Everyone tells you how surreal it is to come home with a little baby in your arms and no one will be taking over.  It is all up to you... You will learn how to feed her, change her diapers, clothe her, get her shots, take her to the Dr., and don't forget to sing to her, play with her and be amazed by her... all while letting your body recover from the major event that it has gone through.  Talk about overwhelming. We drove home and while I sat with the baby in the back, the song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" came over the radio.  Were the Rolling Stones trying to teach us something about parenting?

No, you can't always get what you want 
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
well you just might find
you get what you need 


Boy does this ring true after my first year of parenthood.  If I got what I wanted, labor would be easy, feeding a baby would come perfectly naturally like all the lactation specialists said it would.  I would always get enough sleep and our little baby would never wake up screaming just because she lost her binky.

But, man I got what I needed.  Nine months of pregnancy and a labor that taught me my life and the baby's life is only in the hands of God.  I got major feeding road blocks and a complete lack of sleep.  I got  a happy baby who looked to me for everything, and I knew nothing.  Humility was always the main dish.

Then, last night, I realized something.  It was at that point when my sleep deprivation seeped away and my heart changed from wanting the baby to sleep so I could... to wanting the baby to feel better.  It wasn't about me, it was about her.   But that was also the point when I knew I could only do so much and the rest was up to her to learn. Last night after we had done everything in our power to help, she was learning that we are mortals and we get sick.  And being sick just sucks.

Poor thing.  Life lessons are hard, but they are there to make sure we don't glide through life like ignorant lemmings.  We learn, we grow and now I get to watch this little baby learn and grow...Painful and perfect as it is.

Reflecting on my 2011: First as a mom and as myself

Well here we are, another new year at our faces and an old one at our heels. I like to try to make new years resolutions because I think it helps me keep myself on track. I like the challenge. Probably the same reason I observe Lent.

Anyway, this year I had a few things that seemed fitting  to try. I won't bore you with the lame resolutions like to floss everyday.  But the one I wanted to mention was my resolve to write in this blog weekly. I love to write but I do have to push myself on occasion. So, I have decided to write weekly.... we will have to see how this goes.  At least is will give me something enjoyable to add to my list of "to-do's."

Back to contemplating...It seems so odd to look at my life now, and look back to where I was a year ago, obsessed with the unknown and looking at upcoming parenthood with a chill of excitement and fear. Things have peaked and fallen and begun to swerve into a direction I had no way of foreseeing. Having our daughter arrive safely was a total miracle. Getting used to a newborn and surviving the lack of sleep was another miracle.  Finding out she had hearing loss, visiting with Doctors and specialists, and then finding a way to get our own hearing aids for her was beyond a miracle.... it was upsetting and scary and yet, I feel like it all needed to happen.

Our daughter was late and when I was taken in to get checked, the nurses performed the stress test to see if she was doing ok.  When she didn't respond to the loud noises, they induced me and we had her that night.  When she came, it became clear that the cord was not only around her neck, but also tied in a true knot, which cinched at her delivery.  So, needless to say, we believe her hearing loss saved her from further complications.  I will be honest, it took a while for me to see things that way.  My husband helped me to recognize it and after a short period of mourning for her, for her loss,  I felt fine.  My heart was healed by the Lord.  Our little girl was the one to teach me to be happy no matter what.  She smiled at me and progressed as happily as any child, reminding me that everything would be just fine.

Shortly after that, I became a mother of three overnight and just for 3 months.  No, I didn't have triplets, I just became a nanny for the summer.  It was hard and I was so exhausted, yet it taught me when push comes to shove, I could totally handle three kids.

Shortly after that, my husband decided to go back to school to become a chaplain and I chose my path and stayed at home to teach our daughter and be there with her always. My nanny job was over and the baby and I were together all the time, (all day and almost every evening) as my husband was at school after working all day.

I think this has been the hardest tender spot for me.  I have heard people say you need to re-invent yourself each time you have a baby and others insist that working a part time job will help stave off the baby blues.  But really, how do you keep a woman sane whose a people-person at heart?  I love being with the baby, but at this stage, things are too lonely and slow in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I can hear the voices out there insisting it will change, but no matter how many kids you have... Motherhood can be isolating.
I miss the chats I used to have with co-workers every morning.  I miss the days when I was in school and had classmates and discussions and papers to write.

Now I am learning how to keep to a budget (which I did great till December!) and find things to keep my heart happy so our little girl will have a sane, stable mommy (I must admit here that I have an addiction to shopping that has reared its ugly head.  Things started innocently by getting baby and I out of the  house, but budgets and casual shoe shopping do not go hand in hand).

Going to the gym also became my refuge in the morning.  I spent all year trying to get my body back after our girl was born and right around October, I figured I had lost a total of 33 lbs.  I had managed to lose the baby weight and then some.  But it wasn't just about getting into shape.  The gym became a place where I could listen to talks, books, scriptures, and music, and see other people. Plus, I got up early enough that both baby and husband slept the whole time I was gone.  The only drawback was my tired afternoons :)

Other things to cope... I learned how to make flower pins and small, button earrings that were baby friendly so I could try to be stylish and not lose my ear lobes during the grabbing stages.  I gave myself a schedule of what to clean and when, so our little apartment was somewhat in order.  I listened to a lot of music, watched movies,  found recipes and cooked more.  But what I really needed to do was to get out and visit others.  And now, I am realizing I created a monster.

Our little girl is the most social person I have ever met, besides me.  She blooms in front of random people at the grocery store and she can get the most downhearted to smile back at her.  Is it bad that I love the attention she brings?  I love hearing people's comments about her.  Sometimes they just comment on her to each other and I can over hear what they are saying.

Point is- I love seeing her bring out the best in others and I don't feel like I can take much credit for how she is.  But it is nice to think that what I do with her each day is bringing her up the best way possible.

So, yeah... this year has been a lot to handle.  A lot has come and a lot is coming.  Part of me is just excited for the things on the horizon... like the new Andrew Bird album and my sister-in-law's wedding, and the Hobbit movie, and my 30th birthday this year, and seeing our baby go from crawling like crazy to walking like crazy, and hearing some more words and hoping she gets some more hair.

Everyone says when you have a baby, it is the most exciting time of your life.  I argue that seeing them grow is what makes it worth it.  Not only that, but seeing yourself grow in the process has made a world of difference.

ps- the above image is from Threadless.com and is for a T-shirt for Mothers month.  I loved it and had to use it in this blog.

The Paradox of Motherhood

I still remember the most common saying I got before our daughter was born. It was this: "Don't forget! Your life is about to change!" I'd think to myself, Duh, of course it is. I am having a baby. Maybe what I should have been doing is preparing mentally for things to change. But that is my question... How do you accept these changes and find joy in them when you are still kicking the walls because your life is now totally different?

I have a had time writing this because I don't want this to sound like I don't love being a mom. I told my daughter this morning over her bottle that I knew she was a gift to me. She is so good and happy and could make me smile on the worst days. This little baby is a gem of the rarest kind. I wouldn't want to lose her for a second. However, I do feel like I have, in a way, lost myself in the process.

In the beginning you have a baby and you are so bent on keeping that baby alive and happy, going down your list of things to do that in a way, you forget what you are missing. Life has changed from that eternal date night to now you and your spouse trying to get down the basics. I never thought I would, but it has almost been a year and I think I got most of the basics.

But now as my husband goes back to school, in addition to working full time, I find myself alone with a baby a lot trying to learn how to enjoy the time we spend together.

Not only that but now, budgets are a way of life. Going to the gym at 5:45 in the morning has become the only time I get for just me. Running to the store to get a gallon of milk is as complicated as moving to another state, and my opportunities to be alone with my husband are few and far between. Everyone keeps saying, "get a new hobby," or "buy some new shoes to cheer yourself up." This just resulted in a lot of false starts and a brief stint where I went to Kohl's and Forever Young Shoes too often.

Looking at my heart, I know I have a great relationship with God. I read scriptures daily, I pray constantly, I know the decisions I have made are correct, but I don't know what He is trying to teach me here. I do have faith, but I also can't seem to navigate my way through this. I know I am still me. I know I love my daughter. But why is parenthood so tough on the mother? I think it is because she is the one that takes all this change head on. After our baby was born, my husband still had his same job to return to, yet this is the first time in years that I haven't had somewhere "to go " each day for most of the day.

In the past few months, I have taken my social nature and tried to use it to help others. I visited friends and family and I do what I can to make people happy. But most of the time, I feel like I am still struggling with a loss. A loss of the way things were and now, everything I do relates back to me as a mom. I know I have more dimensions than one, but at this time, I don't know how to tap into those without denying my daughter of what she needs and deserves.

A Young Adult Literary Critique

DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion and you don't have to love it. I just wanted to stand on my literary soap box for the duration of one post.

So, what do you think of Twilight? I used to really like it... I like the music in all of the movies. I like the how Meyer wrote about what it felt like to get dumped. I really like the character of Jacob and at times, Edward had his strong points too. I liked the way first book ended and I liked the other vampires. But, then, I took a step forward and realized The Twilight Saga lacked some major elements and rather than justify it, I wanted to talk it out.

Let's go back a little.

A good friend of mine first told me about this great book called Twilight. It wasn't popular yet and all I heard was that is was about vampires and my friend thought I would really like it. (I guess it is because I love Halloween so much).

Well, my friend was correct. The book was a bit trite at times, but I enjoyed it and it was a classic example of young adult fiction. Then came the other books. New Moon and Eclipse soon followed. I found them entertaining and though the books spent way too much time with the luke warm love story, I found myself totally fascinated by the "father figure" vampire named Carlisle. He was a converted vampire that changed his ways and not only abstained from drinking blood, but worked as a doctor. Wow, to me that was a cool character. Someone who totally flipped from one direction to another.

Anyway, so far, things had been interesting, but I was the only person in the world who thought Bella should not be a vampire. I thought it was an unfair move. Then, the last book Breaking Dawn came out. I bought one copy for my mom and I to share. She read it first.

I told my mom, I have to know if Bella becomes a vampire because if she does, I won't read it. Sorry for the spoiler but my mom (and many others) told me the whole book and disgusted, I vowed never to pick up the thing. Meyer had sold out.

Yes, you may judge my ignorance. But I stand by my decision. And I ask....Do you know what makes a good story? Sacrifice. What made Harry Potter good? It wasn't the Quidditch or the spells. It was the sacrifice that Harry had to make, losing those he loved for a greater cause. Even he had to sacrifice himself in the end.

What did Bella have to do in these books? Nothing, but be a indecisive, impulsive girl. She never really grew up. And the elements that made the story interesting (i.e. Carlisle) were shoved aside for a ridiculous love story that in my opinion sets a bad example for young adults and adults alike. Some might argue that Meyer did a great thing by having Bella and Edward wait till they were married to have sex, but I still think there was a little too much angsty lusting for a young adult book that millions of kids from elementary school to high school were immersed in.

Now the movie is coming out and everyone is all a buzz about this "epic" love story on screen. All I have to say is that I have no desire to pay good money to see bad actors have sex.

I know this may sound harsh. Believe me, there were some things that I really liked about the books. I really liked the first book, but sadly, they slowly slipped downhill till now we are left with nothing substantial at all.

My recommendation... read the first book and stop there.

They Say It's Your Birthday

Two weeks before her due date, my mom's blood pressure was rising and it was decided that I needed to come early. I was born June 2nd around 9:30 at night on a Wednesday.

Birthdays for me have meant the Spaghetti Factory, and white frosting on bakery cakes and glitter crowns at school and the start of summer. Then, one June 2nd, I got my driver's license and was introduced to the world of transportation. A little later, I graduated High school and turned 18 on the same day. That was also the day I was lovingly nudged into real life.

Since those early days of routine, my life has been a smattering of change. College came and I traveled and I moved in with roommates and I felt a little vulnerable to all of it. But, I could always look towards my birthday with a sense of relief. I knew it was coming and I could depend on that.

The best birthday I had was one June 2nd when I jumped out of an airplane and finished a long list of things to do before I turned 25. The very next year, it was my birthday and I was looking at engagement rings and what it might be like to marry my best friend.

Last year, I was newly pregnant on my birthday and sick to my stomach with hormones and some potent nausea. Worst of all, at my birthday party I couldn't tell any of my friends yet that I was going to be a mom. It was too early still and I've never been good at waiting.

Tomorrow however, I will turn 29 and I will celebrate the beginning of the last year of my 20's. I am going to bake my birthday cake, (a Pavlova actually) and cover it in strawberries and kiwis. I'm going to read stories to my baby and then ride bikes with my husband in the afternoon. I'm going to eat some mighty fine Mexican food with my family for dinner and I'm going to pat myself on the back for making it another year.

All in all, birthdays are very important. They always should be. It takes a lot to get a baby here and it takes a lot to make it from year to year. After going through this process to get here, and to get our baby girl here, I can't think of anything else to do but celebrate. When our girl was born I looked at her and thought about the fact that she made it. I had been waiting so long to see her and I know my mom was waiting to see me too.

So here's to another year Kate. Life is totally do-able when it is one year at a time.