A Few Firsts and What The Rolling Stones Taught Me

Last night I spent most of the night up with my baby, rocking her, talking peacefully in her ears and humming to her so that she might stop crying.  Our one and only daughter is almost past the definition of "baby."  She is a few days shy of turning one year old.

She has been very healthy until now and though the Dr. today couldn't find anything really wrong with her, I  just kept thinking that she probably caught the cold I've had and have been trying to ignore for a week. As I struggled keeping her little body still and relaxed and as she cried and screamed at me to make things better, I felt frustrated.  What can I do?  Everything felt hopeless as she wriggled and batted away at the bottle I thought might help.

Then I remember that everything to her is a first.  Everything is brand new... well except for maybe the taste of a bottle, the feel of her car seat and our goofy smiles at her when she wakes up.

But this low-grade fever, the taste of spaghetti, and even the clown fish swimming at the Dr.'s office are just a few firsts for her.  Feeling an ache in your muscles and a throat as thick as sand is all new.  It was the first time she didn't really feel good.

Our daughter is in fact, a first for me.  She was my first diaper change and the first living thing without feathers, scales or fur that depended on me for everything.  (Pets were nothing compared to what a baby needs.)

I still remember that first ride home from the hospital.   Everyone tells you how surreal it is to come home with a little baby in your arms and no one will be taking over.  It is all up to you... You will learn how to feed her, change her diapers, clothe her, get her shots, take her to the Dr., and don't forget to sing to her, play with her and be amazed by her... all while letting your body recover from the major event that it has gone through.  Talk about overwhelming. We drove home and while I sat with the baby in the back, the song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" came over the radio.  Were the Rolling Stones trying to teach us something about parenting?

No, you can't always get what you want 
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
well you just might find
you get what you need 


Boy does this ring true after my first year of parenthood.  If I got what I wanted, labor would be easy, feeding a baby would come perfectly naturally like all the lactation specialists said it would.  I would always get enough sleep and our little baby would never wake up screaming just because she lost her binky.

But, man I got what I needed.  Nine months of pregnancy and a labor that taught me my life and the baby's life is only in the hands of God.  I got major feeding road blocks and a complete lack of sleep.  I got  a happy baby who looked to me for everything, and I knew nothing.  Humility was always the main dish.

Then, last night, I realized something.  It was at that point when my sleep deprivation seeped away and my heart changed from wanting the baby to sleep so I could... to wanting the baby to feel better.  It wasn't about me, it was about her.   But that was also the point when I knew I could only do so much and the rest was up to her to learn. Last night after we had done everything in our power to help, she was learning that we are mortals and we get sick.  And being sick just sucks.

Poor thing.  Life lessons are hard, but they are there to make sure we don't glide through life like ignorant lemmings.  We learn, we grow and now I get to watch this little baby learn and grow...Painful and perfect as it is.

Reflecting on my 2011: First as a mom and as myself

Well here we are, another new year at our faces and an old one at our heels. I like to try to make new years resolutions because I think it helps me keep myself on track. I like the challenge. Probably the same reason I observe Lent.

Anyway, this year I had a few things that seemed fitting  to try. I won't bore you with the lame resolutions like to floss everyday.  But the one I wanted to mention was my resolve to write in this blog weekly. I love to write but I do have to push myself on occasion. So, I have decided to write weekly.... we will have to see how this goes.  At least is will give me something enjoyable to add to my list of "to-do's."

Back to contemplating...It seems so odd to look at my life now, and look back to where I was a year ago, obsessed with the unknown and looking at upcoming parenthood with a chill of excitement and fear. Things have peaked and fallen and begun to swerve into a direction I had no way of foreseeing. Having our daughter arrive safely was a total miracle. Getting used to a newborn and surviving the lack of sleep was another miracle.  Finding out she had hearing loss, visiting with Doctors and specialists, and then finding a way to get our own hearing aids for her was beyond a miracle.... it was upsetting and scary and yet, I feel like it all needed to happen.

Our daughter was late and when I was taken in to get checked, the nurses performed the stress test to see if she was doing ok.  When she didn't respond to the loud noises, they induced me and we had her that night.  When she came, it became clear that the cord was not only around her neck, but also tied in a true knot, which cinched at her delivery.  So, needless to say, we believe her hearing loss saved her from further complications.  I will be honest, it took a while for me to see things that way.  My husband helped me to recognize it and after a short period of mourning for her, for her loss,  I felt fine.  My heart was healed by the Lord.  Our little girl was the one to teach me to be happy no matter what.  She smiled at me and progressed as happily as any child, reminding me that everything would be just fine.

Shortly after that, I became a mother of three overnight and just for 3 months.  No, I didn't have triplets, I just became a nanny for the summer.  It was hard and I was so exhausted, yet it taught me when push comes to shove, I could totally handle three kids.

Shortly after that, my husband decided to go back to school to become a chaplain and I chose my path and stayed at home to teach our daughter and be there with her always. My nanny job was over and the baby and I were together all the time, (all day and almost every evening) as my husband was at school after working all day.

I think this has been the hardest tender spot for me.  I have heard people say you need to re-invent yourself each time you have a baby and others insist that working a part time job will help stave off the baby blues.  But really, how do you keep a woman sane whose a people-person at heart?  I love being with the baby, but at this stage, things are too lonely and slow in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I can hear the voices out there insisting it will change, but no matter how many kids you have... Motherhood can be isolating.
I miss the chats I used to have with co-workers every morning.  I miss the days when I was in school and had classmates and discussions and papers to write.

Now I am learning how to keep to a budget (which I did great till December!) and find things to keep my heart happy so our little girl will have a sane, stable mommy (I must admit here that I have an addiction to shopping that has reared its ugly head.  Things started innocently by getting baby and I out of the  house, but budgets and casual shoe shopping do not go hand in hand).

Going to the gym also became my refuge in the morning.  I spent all year trying to get my body back after our girl was born and right around October, I figured I had lost a total of 33 lbs.  I had managed to lose the baby weight and then some.  But it wasn't just about getting into shape.  The gym became a place where I could listen to talks, books, scriptures, and music, and see other people. Plus, I got up early enough that both baby and husband slept the whole time I was gone.  The only drawback was my tired afternoons :)

Other things to cope... I learned how to make flower pins and small, button earrings that were baby friendly so I could try to be stylish and not lose my ear lobes during the grabbing stages.  I gave myself a schedule of what to clean and when, so our little apartment was somewhat in order.  I listened to a lot of music, watched movies,  found recipes and cooked more.  But what I really needed to do was to get out and visit others.  And now, I am realizing I created a monster.

Our little girl is the most social person I have ever met, besides me.  She blooms in front of random people at the grocery store and she can get the most downhearted to smile back at her.  Is it bad that I love the attention she brings?  I love hearing people's comments about her.  Sometimes they just comment on her to each other and I can over hear what they are saying.

Point is- I love seeing her bring out the best in others and I don't feel like I can take much credit for how she is.  But it is nice to think that what I do with her each day is bringing her up the best way possible.

So, yeah... this year has been a lot to handle.  A lot has come and a lot is coming.  Part of me is just excited for the things on the horizon... like the new Andrew Bird album and my sister-in-law's wedding, and the Hobbit movie, and my 30th birthday this year, and seeing our baby go from crawling like crazy to walking like crazy, and hearing some more words and hoping she gets some more hair.

Everyone says when you have a baby, it is the most exciting time of your life.  I argue that seeing them grow is what makes it worth it.  Not only that, but seeing yourself grow in the process has made a world of difference.

ps- the above image is from Threadless.com and is for a T-shirt for Mothers month.  I loved it and had to use it in this blog.

The Paradox of Motherhood

I still remember the most common saying I got before our daughter was born. It was this: "Don't forget! Your life is about to change!" I'd think to myself, Duh, of course it is. I am having a baby. Maybe what I should have been doing is preparing mentally for things to change. But that is my question... How do you accept these changes and find joy in them when you are still kicking the walls because your life is now totally different?

I have a had time writing this because I don't want this to sound like I don't love being a mom. I told my daughter this morning over her bottle that I knew she was a gift to me. She is so good and happy and could make me smile on the worst days. This little baby is a gem of the rarest kind. I wouldn't want to lose her for a second. However, I do feel like I have, in a way, lost myself in the process.

In the beginning you have a baby and you are so bent on keeping that baby alive and happy, going down your list of things to do that in a way, you forget what you are missing. Life has changed from that eternal date night to now you and your spouse trying to get down the basics. I never thought I would, but it has almost been a year and I think I got most of the basics.

But now as my husband goes back to school, in addition to working full time, I find myself alone with a baby a lot trying to learn how to enjoy the time we spend together.

Not only that but now, budgets are a way of life. Going to the gym at 5:45 in the morning has become the only time I get for just me. Running to the store to get a gallon of milk is as complicated as moving to another state, and my opportunities to be alone with my husband are few and far between. Everyone keeps saying, "get a new hobby," or "buy some new shoes to cheer yourself up." This just resulted in a lot of false starts and a brief stint where I went to Kohl's and Forever Young Shoes too often.

Looking at my heart, I know I have a great relationship with God. I read scriptures daily, I pray constantly, I know the decisions I have made are correct, but I don't know what He is trying to teach me here. I do have faith, but I also can't seem to navigate my way through this. I know I am still me. I know I love my daughter. But why is parenthood so tough on the mother? I think it is because she is the one that takes all this change head on. After our baby was born, my husband still had his same job to return to, yet this is the first time in years that I haven't had somewhere "to go " each day for most of the day.

In the past few months, I have taken my social nature and tried to use it to help others. I visited friends and family and I do what I can to make people happy. But most of the time, I feel like I am still struggling with a loss. A loss of the way things were and now, everything I do relates back to me as a mom. I know I have more dimensions than one, but at this time, I don't know how to tap into those without denying my daughter of what she needs and deserves.

A Young Adult Literary Critique

DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion and you don't have to love it. I just wanted to stand on my literary soap box for the duration of one post.

So, what do you think of Twilight? I used to really like it... I like the music in all of the movies. I like the how Meyer wrote about what it felt like to get dumped. I really like the character of Jacob and at times, Edward had his strong points too. I liked the way first book ended and I liked the other vampires. But, then, I took a step forward and realized The Twilight Saga lacked some major elements and rather than justify it, I wanted to talk it out.

Let's go back a little.

A good friend of mine first told me about this great book called Twilight. It wasn't popular yet and all I heard was that is was about vampires and my friend thought I would really like it. (I guess it is because I love Halloween so much).

Well, my friend was correct. The book was a bit trite at times, but I enjoyed it and it was a classic example of young adult fiction. Then came the other books. New Moon and Eclipse soon followed. I found them entertaining and though the books spent way too much time with the luke warm love story, I found myself totally fascinated by the "father figure" vampire named Carlisle. He was a converted vampire that changed his ways and not only abstained from drinking blood, but worked as a doctor. Wow, to me that was a cool character. Someone who totally flipped from one direction to another.

Anyway, so far, things had been interesting, but I was the only person in the world who thought Bella should not be a vampire. I thought it was an unfair move. Then, the last book Breaking Dawn came out. I bought one copy for my mom and I to share. She read it first.

I told my mom, I have to know if Bella becomes a vampire because if she does, I won't read it. Sorry for the spoiler but my mom (and many others) told me the whole book and disgusted, I vowed never to pick up the thing. Meyer had sold out.

Yes, you may judge my ignorance. But I stand by my decision. And I ask....Do you know what makes a good story? Sacrifice. What made Harry Potter good? It wasn't the Quidditch or the spells. It was the sacrifice that Harry had to make, losing those he loved for a greater cause. Even he had to sacrifice himself in the end.

What did Bella have to do in these books? Nothing, but be a indecisive, impulsive girl. She never really grew up. And the elements that made the story interesting (i.e. Carlisle) were shoved aside for a ridiculous love story that in my opinion sets a bad example for young adults and adults alike. Some might argue that Meyer did a great thing by having Bella and Edward wait till they were married to have sex, but I still think there was a little too much angsty lusting for a young adult book that millions of kids from elementary school to high school were immersed in.

Now the movie is coming out and everyone is all a buzz about this "epic" love story on screen. All I have to say is that I have no desire to pay good money to see bad actors have sex.

I know this may sound harsh. Believe me, there were some things that I really liked about the books. I really liked the first book, but sadly, they slowly slipped downhill till now we are left with nothing substantial at all.

My recommendation... read the first book and stop there.

They Say It's Your Birthday

Two weeks before her due date, my mom's blood pressure was rising and it was decided that I needed to come early. I was born June 2nd around 9:30 at night on a Wednesday.

Birthdays for me have meant the Spaghetti Factory, and white frosting on bakery cakes and glitter crowns at school and the start of summer. Then, one June 2nd, I got my driver's license and was introduced to the world of transportation. A little later, I graduated High school and turned 18 on the same day. That was also the day I was lovingly nudged into real life.

Since those early days of routine, my life has been a smattering of change. College came and I traveled and I moved in with roommates and I felt a little vulnerable to all of it. But, I could always look towards my birthday with a sense of relief. I knew it was coming and I could depend on that.

The best birthday I had was one June 2nd when I jumped out of an airplane and finished a long list of things to do before I turned 25. The very next year, it was my birthday and I was looking at engagement rings and what it might be like to marry my best friend.

Last year, I was newly pregnant on my birthday and sick to my stomach with hormones and some potent nausea. Worst of all, at my birthday party I couldn't tell any of my friends yet that I was going to be a mom. It was too early still and I've never been good at waiting.

Tomorrow however, I will turn 29 and I will celebrate the beginning of the last year of my 20's. I am going to bake my birthday cake, (a Pavlova actually) and cover it in strawberries and kiwis. I'm going to read stories to my baby and then ride bikes with my husband in the afternoon. I'm going to eat some mighty fine Mexican food with my family for dinner and I'm going to pat myself on the back for making it another year.

All in all, birthdays are very important. They always should be. It takes a lot to get a baby here and it takes a lot to make it from year to year. After going through this process to get here, and to get our baby girl here, I can't think of anything else to do but celebrate. When our girl was born I looked at her and thought about the fact that she made it. I had been waiting so long to see her and I know my mom was waiting to see me too.

So here's to another year Kate. Life is totally do-able when it is one year at a time.

The Crossroads

Just recently, I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and took a little trip down nostalgic street. Don't get me wrong, I have not traveled with my best friend through time and collected several historic personages for an oral history report. I was not that lucky. But I was giving some thought to the premise of the movie. A man from the future named Rufus goes back in time to assist Bill and Ted with their history report. If they fail, they will be thrown onto the wrong path for the future. If they pass and get an A+ Bill and Ted will go ahead with their plans to write music, which in turn, will change the world for the better.

Everything comes down to the road we choose. Can you think of one choice you have made that has affected your life permanently? I can think of several. But one sticks out in my mind. I chose to sing.

Growing up, I loved listening to music. My first CD was The Nutcracker and then Beethoven's greatest hits. I was nerdy and fine with being a nerd. I had given up piano and other than listening to the Beatles and admiring music from the sidelines, I was fine with not participating. But after taking sophomore girl's choir, I gradually learned more about music and soon I desired to be a part of the smaller, (audition only )choir for junior girls.

Here it is, the choice that changed everything. I decided to do it. I was totally out of my league, but I received a week long crash course with a voice teacher who believed in me and I decided to try out for the junior girl's choir group. At age 16, I had my driver's test, my AP European test and my choir audition on the same day. I failed my driver's test, I got a 2 on my AP Euro test and still sang my audition piece from West Side Story. A couple days later, I discovered I had made it. It was beyond my mind to imagine, but where all I saw was failure, I had made the 28 girl choir group.

My life changed after that. Not because what you do in High School maps out the rest of your life. In fact, most of the time, it is the opposite. But, for me, being a part of this group led me to discover a talent and a passion I had for music. I went to College on a vocal scholarship. The choice to sing changed the friends I had, it filled my depleted self-esteem, and it made me happy to be a part of music. Singing made me the happiest.

Ok, it is 13 years later, after that first audition and no, I haven't performed on broadway. I haven't opened my own voice studio, or graduated in opera. But, I sing all the time. I sing at church and at Christmas time and I have been known to teach a few voice lessons here and there. I also had the glorious chance to sing in New Zealand and to sing at both my Grandma and Grandpa's funeral.

I also sing to my baby.

So I guess I took a different road, one I never thought I could take, or would take. But that road has lead me to who I am now and that ain't all that bad.

The Greatest

In the middle of the night, I hear one or two cars pass every hour, and if its raining I can tell by the splash of the tires on the pavement. Most of the time, my neighbors upstairs have turned off the music and all the washers and dryers have fallen quiet. The insurance offices across the street are lit with warm lights that come on once the sun goes down. While sitting on my couch, I can also see the traffic light switch from red to green to yellow to red again, cycling over and over. If the wind is blowing, I can hear it swish through my chimney and cause the pilot light to waver and wiggle. I have also noticed my little fish, Fugi, stays near the bottom of his bowl at night, as if he was resting from a hard day's work.

After two months of getting up at anywhere from 2:30 am to 4:30 am to feed my daughter, these are some of the things that occupy my mind. I watch and listen to the quiet. But last night was different. I wasn't a zombie eager to sleep. This time I was awake.

My daughter had finished her bottle and was changed. Usually this is when I try to get her back to bed so I can get back to bed. But last night she looked at me with wide eyes and her grin with dimples and I didn't care how tired I felt. Instead, I laid her flat on a blanket in our living room and sat above her. Looking up at me, she kicked her legs and wiggled her arms and sometimes looked like she was going to do the backstroke. She smiled and gurgled and did her best to talk to me. We were connected as I looked down at her, literally taken with her every look.

I realized I didn't want a thing to change. I wanted her exactly how she is and each smile from her was like payment for the all the hard stuff. I kept feeling these little surges of warm joy and it was like being in love all over again. I couldn't repress my own laughter. I was giddy and grateful and I wondered to myself who on this earth could resist the smiling face of a baby? Who could repress something so happy?

I pulled up close to her little ears and I told her she was the greatest (which also reminded me of a song by Cat Power called "the Greatest"). So, I grabbed my nano and played the song right next to her ears through the speaker on the outside. She seemed to like it.

Now our little girl has been smiling for sometime, but why was it so powerful last night? I think it was because the world and my mind were finally still. I got her message and as I smiled back and held her little hands with my fingers, I sent my own message in return.