The Paradox of Motherhood

I still remember the most common saying I got before our daughter was born. It was this: "Don't forget! Your life is about to change!" I'd think to myself, Duh, of course it is. I am having a baby. Maybe what I should have been doing is preparing mentally for things to change. But that is my question... How do you accept these changes and find joy in them when you are still kicking the walls because your life is now totally different?

I have a had time writing this because I don't want this to sound like I don't love being a mom. I told my daughter this morning over her bottle that I knew she was a gift to me. She is so good and happy and could make me smile on the worst days. This little baby is a gem of the rarest kind. I wouldn't want to lose her for a second. However, I do feel like I have, in a way, lost myself in the process.

In the beginning you have a baby and you are so bent on keeping that baby alive and happy, going down your list of things to do that in a way, you forget what you are missing. Life has changed from that eternal date night to now you and your spouse trying to get down the basics. I never thought I would, but it has almost been a year and I think I got most of the basics.

But now as my husband goes back to school, in addition to working full time, I find myself alone with a baby a lot trying to learn how to enjoy the time we spend together.

Not only that but now, budgets are a way of life. Going to the gym at 5:45 in the morning has become the only time I get for just me. Running to the store to get a gallon of milk is as complicated as moving to another state, and my opportunities to be alone with my husband are few and far between. Everyone keeps saying, "get a new hobby," or "buy some new shoes to cheer yourself up." This just resulted in a lot of false starts and a brief stint where I went to Kohl's and Forever Young Shoes too often.

Looking at my heart, I know I have a great relationship with God. I read scriptures daily, I pray constantly, I know the decisions I have made are correct, but I don't know what He is trying to teach me here. I do have faith, but I also can't seem to navigate my way through this. I know I am still me. I know I love my daughter. But why is parenthood so tough on the mother? I think it is because she is the one that takes all this change head on. After our baby was born, my husband still had his same job to return to, yet this is the first time in years that I haven't had somewhere "to go " each day for most of the day.

In the past few months, I have taken my social nature and tried to use it to help others. I visited friends and family and I do what I can to make people happy. But most of the time, I feel like I am still struggling with a loss. A loss of the way things were and now, everything I do relates back to me as a mom. I know I have more dimensions than one, but at this time, I don't know how to tap into those without denying my daughter of what she needs and deserves.

A Young Adult Literary Critique

DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion and you don't have to love it. I just wanted to stand on my literary soap box for the duration of one post.

So, what do you think of Twilight? I used to really like it... I like the music in all of the movies. I like the how Meyer wrote about what it felt like to get dumped. I really like the character of Jacob and at times, Edward had his strong points too. I liked the way first book ended and I liked the other vampires. But, then, I took a step forward and realized The Twilight Saga lacked some major elements and rather than justify it, I wanted to talk it out.

Let's go back a little.

A good friend of mine first told me about this great book called Twilight. It wasn't popular yet and all I heard was that is was about vampires and my friend thought I would really like it. (I guess it is because I love Halloween so much).

Well, my friend was correct. The book was a bit trite at times, but I enjoyed it and it was a classic example of young adult fiction. Then came the other books. New Moon and Eclipse soon followed. I found them entertaining and though the books spent way too much time with the luke warm love story, I found myself totally fascinated by the "father figure" vampire named Carlisle. He was a converted vampire that changed his ways and not only abstained from drinking blood, but worked as a doctor. Wow, to me that was a cool character. Someone who totally flipped from one direction to another.

Anyway, so far, things had been interesting, but I was the only person in the world who thought Bella should not be a vampire. I thought it was an unfair move. Then, the last book Breaking Dawn came out. I bought one copy for my mom and I to share. She read it first.

I told my mom, I have to know if Bella becomes a vampire because if she does, I won't read it. Sorry for the spoiler but my mom (and many others) told me the whole book and disgusted, I vowed never to pick up the thing. Meyer had sold out.

Yes, you may judge my ignorance. But I stand by my decision. And I ask....Do you know what makes a good story? Sacrifice. What made Harry Potter good? It wasn't the Quidditch or the spells. It was the sacrifice that Harry had to make, losing those he loved for a greater cause. Even he had to sacrifice himself in the end.

What did Bella have to do in these books? Nothing, but be a indecisive, impulsive girl. She never really grew up. And the elements that made the story interesting (i.e. Carlisle) were shoved aside for a ridiculous love story that in my opinion sets a bad example for young adults and adults alike. Some might argue that Meyer did a great thing by having Bella and Edward wait till they were married to have sex, but I still think there was a little too much angsty lusting for a young adult book that millions of kids from elementary school to high school were immersed in.

Now the movie is coming out and everyone is all a buzz about this "epic" love story on screen. All I have to say is that I have no desire to pay good money to see bad actors have sex.

I know this may sound harsh. Believe me, there were some things that I really liked about the books. I really liked the first book, but sadly, they slowly slipped downhill till now we are left with nothing substantial at all.

My recommendation... read the first book and stop there.

They Say It's Your Birthday

Two weeks before her due date, my mom's blood pressure was rising and it was decided that I needed to come early. I was born June 2nd around 9:30 at night on a Wednesday.

Birthdays for me have meant the Spaghetti Factory, and white frosting on bakery cakes and glitter crowns at school and the start of summer. Then, one June 2nd, I got my driver's license and was introduced to the world of transportation. A little later, I graduated High school and turned 18 on the same day. That was also the day I was lovingly nudged into real life.

Since those early days of routine, my life has been a smattering of change. College came and I traveled and I moved in with roommates and I felt a little vulnerable to all of it. But, I could always look towards my birthday with a sense of relief. I knew it was coming and I could depend on that.

The best birthday I had was one June 2nd when I jumped out of an airplane and finished a long list of things to do before I turned 25. The very next year, it was my birthday and I was looking at engagement rings and what it might be like to marry my best friend.

Last year, I was newly pregnant on my birthday and sick to my stomach with hormones and some potent nausea. Worst of all, at my birthday party I couldn't tell any of my friends yet that I was going to be a mom. It was too early still and I've never been good at waiting.

Tomorrow however, I will turn 29 and I will celebrate the beginning of the last year of my 20's. I am going to bake my birthday cake, (a Pavlova actually) and cover it in strawberries and kiwis. I'm going to read stories to my baby and then ride bikes with my husband in the afternoon. I'm going to eat some mighty fine Mexican food with my family for dinner and I'm going to pat myself on the back for making it another year.

All in all, birthdays are very important. They always should be. It takes a lot to get a baby here and it takes a lot to make it from year to year. After going through this process to get here, and to get our baby girl here, I can't think of anything else to do but celebrate. When our girl was born I looked at her and thought about the fact that she made it. I had been waiting so long to see her and I know my mom was waiting to see me too.

So here's to another year Kate. Life is totally do-able when it is one year at a time.

The Crossroads

Just recently, I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and took a little trip down nostalgic street. Don't get me wrong, I have not traveled with my best friend through time and collected several historic personages for an oral history report. I was not that lucky. But I was giving some thought to the premise of the movie. A man from the future named Rufus goes back in time to assist Bill and Ted with their history report. If they fail, they will be thrown onto the wrong path for the future. If they pass and get an A+ Bill and Ted will go ahead with their plans to write music, which in turn, will change the world for the better.

Everything comes down to the road we choose. Can you think of one choice you have made that has affected your life permanently? I can think of several. But one sticks out in my mind. I chose to sing.

Growing up, I loved listening to music. My first CD was The Nutcracker and then Beethoven's greatest hits. I was nerdy and fine with being a nerd. I had given up piano and other than listening to the Beatles and admiring music from the sidelines, I was fine with not participating. But after taking sophomore girl's choir, I gradually learned more about music and soon I desired to be a part of the smaller, (audition only )choir for junior girls.

Here it is, the choice that changed everything. I decided to do it. I was totally out of my league, but I received a week long crash course with a voice teacher who believed in me and I decided to try out for the junior girl's choir group. At age 16, I had my driver's test, my AP European test and my choir audition on the same day. I failed my driver's test, I got a 2 on my AP Euro test and still sang my audition piece from West Side Story. A couple days later, I discovered I had made it. It was beyond my mind to imagine, but where all I saw was failure, I had made the 28 girl choir group.

My life changed after that. Not because what you do in High School maps out the rest of your life. In fact, most of the time, it is the opposite. But, for me, being a part of this group led me to discover a talent and a passion I had for music. I went to College on a vocal scholarship. The choice to sing changed the friends I had, it filled my depleted self-esteem, and it made me happy to be a part of music. Singing made me the happiest.

Ok, it is 13 years later, after that first audition and no, I haven't performed on broadway. I haven't opened my own voice studio, or graduated in opera. But, I sing all the time. I sing at church and at Christmas time and I have been known to teach a few voice lessons here and there. I also had the glorious chance to sing in New Zealand and to sing at both my Grandma and Grandpa's funeral.

I also sing to my baby.

So I guess I took a different road, one I never thought I could take, or would take. But that road has lead me to who I am now and that ain't all that bad.

The Greatest

In the middle of the night, I hear one or two cars pass every hour, and if its raining I can tell by the splash of the tires on the pavement. Most of the time, my neighbors upstairs have turned off the music and all the washers and dryers have fallen quiet. The insurance offices across the street are lit with warm lights that come on once the sun goes down. While sitting on my couch, I can also see the traffic light switch from red to green to yellow to red again, cycling over and over. If the wind is blowing, I can hear it swish through my chimney and cause the pilot light to waver and wiggle. I have also noticed my little fish, Fugi, stays near the bottom of his bowl at night, as if he was resting from a hard day's work.

After two months of getting up at anywhere from 2:30 am to 4:30 am to feed my daughter, these are some of the things that occupy my mind. I watch and listen to the quiet. But last night was different. I wasn't a zombie eager to sleep. This time I was awake.

My daughter had finished her bottle and was changed. Usually this is when I try to get her back to bed so I can get back to bed. But last night she looked at me with wide eyes and her grin with dimples and I didn't care how tired I felt. Instead, I laid her flat on a blanket in our living room and sat above her. Looking up at me, she kicked her legs and wiggled her arms and sometimes looked like she was going to do the backstroke. She smiled and gurgled and did her best to talk to me. We were connected as I looked down at her, literally taken with her every look.

I realized I didn't want a thing to change. I wanted her exactly how she is and each smile from her was like payment for the all the hard stuff. I kept feeling these little surges of warm joy and it was like being in love all over again. I couldn't repress my own laughter. I was giddy and grateful and I wondered to myself who on this earth could resist the smiling face of a baby? Who could repress something so happy?

I pulled up close to her little ears and I told her she was the greatest (which also reminded me of a song by Cat Power called "the Greatest"). So, I grabbed my nano and played the song right next to her ears through the speaker on the outside. She seemed to like it.

Now our little girl has been smiling for sometime, but why was it so powerful last night? I think it was because the world and my mind were finally still. I got her message and as I smiled back and held her little hands with my fingers, I sent my own message in return.

A Horse Down a Well

The story goes that once a man had a beloved horse that fell down a well. The man did everything he could to save the animal but his efforts were in vain. The horse could not be rescued. So, wanting to put the painful experience behind him, the man decided to seal up the well and bury the horse. He called all the neighbors to come with shovels and everyone began to slowly shovel dirt into the long, narrow well.
As each shovel of dirt landed on the horse, he shook it off his back and stepped up. Eventually, after some time, the horse, had enough dirt piled up to scramble out of the well. **

The story is an illustration of how one animal learned how to survive when life threw dirt on his back. He shook it off and stepped up and eventually rose above all the dirt around him.

My husband shared this story with me this past evening when I was pretty worried about our new baby who now seems to have some permanent moderate hearing loss in both ears. This little baby, who I am still getting to know, may or may not recognize my voice. Ironically, she has never been happier, growing bigger and smiling more and more each day. Nothing seems to phase her. But, I sit here, worrying about her education and if the kids at school will treat her nicely, or if she will still learn to play the piano.

Health has always been so important to me. I have watched some of my dearest family struggle with terrible health problems and I myself took a little too long in my life to start taking care of myself the way I should. I guess this is why I hate the idea of having to watch my baby go through struggles too. But I guess that is love isn't it? Watching those you love, struggle and staying instead of walking away.

I'm grateful my husband told me this story the other night. It helped me realize that no matter what we face as a family, this is the point to decide how to react. Lay down and get buried, or shake it off and step up.


**This story is not my own but was in my husband's work newsletter "The Legacy Ledger."

Lent 2011

Wednesday March 9th, people all over the world will give up something for Lent. You may have read in past posts that I have given up such things as candy, buying music on itunes, and sugar for Lent. (Sugar is my truest vice). This year, I've decided that I am giving up chocolate for 40 days.

The last several months, I have wanted chocolate more than normal, but with things in the world like Lindt balls, Tim Tams, and cadbury chocolate bars, who can blame me?

Personally, I know that chocolate from Europe is the best. Cadbury rivals Hershey's time and time again and Cadbury is always victorious. In fact most chocolate and biscuits from Europe are always better over American versions. (except maybe girl scout cookies).

Living in New Zealand, I was introduced to the Tim Tam slam** in all its glory. But, I could not retain my joy when I discovered Pepperidge Farm bought Tim Tam's from Australia and they were finally available here in the U.S. in such places as Target for $2.50. I also owe a great deal to the amazing store World Market. Besides being the best place for Christmas shopping, it also has the best selection of Cadbury chocolates.

However, I am not a chocolate snob. I love my American chocolate. Butterfingers, Milky Way Dark, M&M's and even the long gone Hershey bar with mint cookie crumbles. American candy is a more simple way to go but it can easily take care of a chocolate craving. Ghiradelli is also a must. My family always craved Mrs. Cavanaugh's and I knew people who adored See's chocolates. Honestly, I like them all.

However, one item stands above all the rest, blowing a simple chocolate bar out of the water. It is a drink. A Vegan hot chocolate from the Hatch Family Chocolate Company. (I think they owe me a free drink by now due to how many people I have converted). I am not a Vegan, but something in their specific blend of ingredients in this particular drink equals joy to me. It is self-medication. They use soy milk which makes it taste even darker than their dark hot chocolate. I always order it with whipped cream too which gets some pretty weird looks when you are posing as a vegan, but it softens the dark tones. This drink usually has to be enjoyed in stages. Drinking it in one sitting leads to a heavy, unhappy tummy. I drink it slowly and put the rest in the fridge, heating it up the next day in the microwave. (Note, don't be alarmed if the drink is solid when taking it out of the fridge. This just means it is made with more pure chocolate than you may want to admit).

So, now do you see why I am choosing to sacrifice this for 40 days? I believe it will help my cause... which is to be less indulgent and to be grateful for what I take for granted. Let's just hope I don't lose my mind in the process.

** A Tim Tam slam is when you bite the two corners (kitty corner from each other) off of a Tim Tam cookie and then suck hot chocolate through it like a straw. The cookie will begin to melt and you will have to put the whole thing in your mouth before it falls apart. It also works with cold milk, though it is not called a slam.

My Top Five

And now for something completely different!!!

I would like to take some time out of this normally, scheduled blog to put in a plug for the top five things that have made my life with a newborn so much easier.

Remember this is just one humble (new) mom's opinion.

#1 SwaddleMe

So we have all heard swaddling is the way to go with babies. The hospital nurses did it with their blankets and I have done the same at home. But, we had a pediatrician recommend this. It looks like a strange sack that is open at the top with velcro on the sides.

My husband and I joke that it looks like a straight jacket, but believe it or not, our little one can be screaming in the middle of the night, and when she gets wrapped up in this, she settles down right away. Plus, you can un-velcro the bottom and change a diaper while her arms are still wrapped up. It is total comfort and not too pricey either. I think we got a two pack for 20 bucks.

#2 Gumdrop pacifier

I know not all mom's are really into pacifiers but in our house they have really helped at this stage. Our baby already loves to suck her fingers when she gets stressed and we tried a few pacifiers already. The ones from the hospital are way too big and squish the poor girl's nose. The Gumdrop pacifier looks silly but it is the perfect size. They have a huge notch for the baby's nose and are curved to fit her face. Plus there are holes in the sides so I know she can breathe. But, my favorite part is that they have the little hole in the bottom of the nipple you can stick your finger so the baby can gum your finger. Our baby loves nibbling mom's finger. They are made by Hawaii Medical and I got mine for about $3 bucks each. They are totally worth it!

#3 Dutalier Rocking Chair

Ok, I will just explain that ever since I was a young girl, I always said I wanted a rocking chair when I grew up and had a baby. My mom rocked me to sleep and I decided I wanted to do the same thing. One day, I went out and "test-drove" all the rocking chairs. This one by Dutalier was the best! The back wasn't too high and it wasn't too wide so it fit in our small place. But, it literally has been the BEST thing we bought. I think I spend about 89% of my days and nights, sitting in it, rocking our baby. Prices vary, but just know I was very grateful to have some awesome family that could help me get my Christmas wish this year!

#4 Enfamil Nutramigen Formula

I know, I know, I said it... I am thankful for formula. But, let me give a slight explanation.

My plan was to breastfeed and I did for a the first two weeks until it was apparent that my little girl wasn't getting much from me. The Dr suggested we try some other formulas in small amounts and I worked around the clock to get my body up to speed. Three days later, I had to consent that my little girl's health took priority. I needed her hydrated and I needed her to put on weight and this formula was the only one that she could stomach. I wish it wasn't the most expensive, but I am so grateful it helped her and got her healthy again. And, I am grateful for Walmart's affordable prices.

#5 Receiving Blankets and Burp Cloths

After our girl is wrapped up in her SwaddleMe for bed, she gets wrapped in another blanket. When we go to the Dr. and the baby is getting harassed with pokes or a stethoscope, I wrap her in a blanket and she settles into my arms with a sigh of relief. Blankets are essential.

As for Burp cloths, well, they too have been irreplaceable in moments of drool... which are common with a newborn.

But, really, the best part is that so many people have given us blankets or burp cloths they have sewed or quilted and I can't express how personal it is to use something someone has made for you and your baby. Saying thank you for that seems so trite, but allow me to say thank you anyway for all those blankets and burp cloths we use around the clock.

Ok, those are my top five items that I am grateful for. There are others, such as the invention of the onesie, Dr. Brown bottles, and Fisher Price bouncer chairs... but in the meantime, maybe this can help someone else looking for a solution.

On the Other Side

The last time I wrote, I was stuck in the first trimester fears of having a baby, feeling like an emotional wreck and not sure if I would survive pregnancy.Proudly, I can say now that I am on the other side.

Once I hit September and went back to school, I was able to focus. I lost the morning sickness, threw myself into my teaching, and relished in the Fall. But, I also hit the best part of pregnancy. I finally felt the baby move. Like mini nudges from the inside, my little girl poked and fluttered and I giggled my way through the best time of year.

Christmas was also an amazing time, listening to stories of Mary and her own delivery and wondering what mine would be like. The baby's movements became long and liquid, like I had a sea otter swimming around inside, at 9pm every night.

January was the roughest time. The baby was ready to go but my body seemed quite happy in its pregnant state. Everyday I went to work, I was drilled with questions I had no answers to.

Finally, 10 days overdue, the Dr. decided it was time to bring this situation to a head and I was induced. Wanting to do labor naturally, I was not happy about being induced. I had wanted so badly for things to happen on their own. But, even in spite of the the lowest dose of pitocin, I made it through the labor with only some fentanyl. I had gotten to a point during labor when I asked for the epidural (to keep from going mad), but was literally out of time since the anesthesiologist was in a C section and the baby was coming fast. Almost unintentionally, I reached my goal. I thank my Heavenly Father for His Grace and for sparing my body and mind and for making labor go fast enough I didn't perish in the process.

Now here I am, gazing through the doorway of life with a newborn. 2:30 am and 2:30 pm is ultimately the same thing and I sleep no more than 3 hours at a time. When I stand in the kitchen in the middle of the night, I catch a glimpse of the ultrasound photos pasted all over the fridge and it's hard to believe all those nudges came from this little baby, who can't seem to fall asleep unless she is on my tummy. Her funny kicks and twitches are all on the outside now as she is still getting used to her new body.

I on the other hand am still getting used to my new role. What does a mother do? What does it mean to nurture? So far my job consists of feeding, rocking, changing diapers and putting her pacifier back in her mouth about 2 million times a day. I know that is what Mother's do, but what else can I do? I want to build a relationship with this little noodle but it's hard when I feel like I have so little to offer at this point. This little baby has many needs and my biggest job is to decode her cries and come to her rescue.

I guess, I can take heart in the fact that things happen naturally. I got to this point, right? My grandma always told me I "come from a long line of strong women." Maybe they felt just as clueless or just as void of motherly instinct as I do. Maybe they eventually got in a groove and learned what a baby needs. Or maybe they muddled through it just like the rest of us.