The Paradox of Motherhood

I still remember the most common saying I got before our daughter was born. It was this: "Don't forget! Your life is about to change!" I'd think to myself, Duh, of course it is. I am having a baby. Maybe what I should have been doing is preparing mentally for things to change. But that is my question... How do you accept these changes and find joy in them when you are still kicking the walls because your life is now totally different?

I have a had time writing this because I don't want this to sound like I don't love being a mom. I told my daughter this morning over her bottle that I knew she was a gift to me. She is so good and happy and could make me smile on the worst days. This little baby is a gem of the rarest kind. I wouldn't want to lose her for a second. However, I do feel like I have, in a way, lost myself in the process.

In the beginning you have a baby and you are so bent on keeping that baby alive and happy, going down your list of things to do that in a way, you forget what you are missing. Life has changed from that eternal date night to now you and your spouse trying to get down the basics. I never thought I would, but it has almost been a year and I think I got most of the basics.

But now as my husband goes back to school, in addition to working full time, I find myself alone with a baby a lot trying to learn how to enjoy the time we spend together.

Not only that but now, budgets are a way of life. Going to the gym at 5:45 in the morning has become the only time I get for just me. Running to the store to get a gallon of milk is as complicated as moving to another state, and my opportunities to be alone with my husband are few and far between. Everyone keeps saying, "get a new hobby," or "buy some new shoes to cheer yourself up." This just resulted in a lot of false starts and a brief stint where I went to Kohl's and Forever Young Shoes too often.

Looking at my heart, I know I have a great relationship with God. I read scriptures daily, I pray constantly, I know the decisions I have made are correct, but I don't know what He is trying to teach me here. I do have faith, but I also can't seem to navigate my way through this. I know I am still me. I know I love my daughter. But why is parenthood so tough on the mother? I think it is because she is the one that takes all this change head on. After our baby was born, my husband still had his same job to return to, yet this is the first time in years that I haven't had somewhere "to go " each day for most of the day.

In the past few months, I have taken my social nature and tried to use it to help others. I visited friends and family and I do what I can to make people happy. But most of the time, I feel like I am still struggling with a loss. A loss of the way things were and now, everything I do relates back to me as a mom. I know I have more dimensions than one, but at this time, I don't know how to tap into those without denying my daughter of what she needs and deserves.

A Young Adult Literary Critique

DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion and you don't have to love it. I just wanted to stand on my literary soap box for the duration of one post.

So, what do you think of Twilight? I used to really like it... I like the music in all of the movies. I like the how Meyer wrote about what it felt like to get dumped. I really like the character of Jacob and at times, Edward had his strong points too. I liked the way first book ended and I liked the other vampires. But, then, I took a step forward and realized The Twilight Saga lacked some major elements and rather than justify it, I wanted to talk it out.

Let's go back a little.

A good friend of mine first told me about this great book called Twilight. It wasn't popular yet and all I heard was that is was about vampires and my friend thought I would really like it. (I guess it is because I love Halloween so much).

Well, my friend was correct. The book was a bit trite at times, but I enjoyed it and it was a classic example of young adult fiction. Then came the other books. New Moon and Eclipse soon followed. I found them entertaining and though the books spent way too much time with the luke warm love story, I found myself totally fascinated by the "father figure" vampire named Carlisle. He was a converted vampire that changed his ways and not only abstained from drinking blood, but worked as a doctor. Wow, to me that was a cool character. Someone who totally flipped from one direction to another.

Anyway, so far, things had been interesting, but I was the only person in the world who thought Bella should not be a vampire. I thought it was an unfair move. Then, the last book Breaking Dawn came out. I bought one copy for my mom and I to share. She read it first.

I told my mom, I have to know if Bella becomes a vampire because if she does, I won't read it. Sorry for the spoiler but my mom (and many others) told me the whole book and disgusted, I vowed never to pick up the thing. Meyer had sold out.

Yes, you may judge my ignorance. But I stand by my decision. And I ask....Do you know what makes a good story? Sacrifice. What made Harry Potter good? It wasn't the Quidditch or the spells. It was the sacrifice that Harry had to make, losing those he loved for a greater cause. Even he had to sacrifice himself in the end.

What did Bella have to do in these books? Nothing, but be a indecisive, impulsive girl. She never really grew up. And the elements that made the story interesting (i.e. Carlisle) were shoved aside for a ridiculous love story that in my opinion sets a bad example for young adults and adults alike. Some might argue that Meyer did a great thing by having Bella and Edward wait till they were married to have sex, but I still think there was a little too much angsty lusting for a young adult book that millions of kids from elementary school to high school were immersed in.

Now the movie is coming out and everyone is all a buzz about this "epic" love story on screen. All I have to say is that I have no desire to pay good money to see bad actors have sex.

I know this may sound harsh. Believe me, there were some things that I really liked about the books. I really liked the first book, but sadly, they slowly slipped downhill till now we are left with nothing substantial at all.

My recommendation... read the first book and stop there.