I still remember the most common saying I got before our daughter was born. It was this: "Don't forget! Your life is about to change!" I'd think to myself, Duh, of course it is. I am having a baby. Maybe what I should have been doing is preparing mentally for things to change. But that is my question... How do you accept these changes and find joy in them when you are still kicking the walls because your life is now totally different?
I have a had time writing this because I don't want this to sound like I don't love being a mom. I told my daughter this morning over her bottle that I knew she was a gift to me. She is so good and happy and could make me smile on the worst days. This little baby is a gem of the rarest kind. I wouldn't want to lose her for a second. However, I do feel like I have, in a way, lost myself in the process.
In the beginning you have a baby and you are so bent on keeping that baby alive and happy, going down your list of things to do that in a way, you forget what you are missing. Life has changed from that eternal date night to now you and your spouse trying to get down the basics. I never thought I would, but it has almost been a year and I think I got most of the basics.
But now as my husband goes back to school, in addition to working full time, I find myself alone with a baby a lot trying to learn how to enjoy the time we spend together.
Not only that but now, budgets are a way of life. Going to the gym at 5:45 in the morning has become the only time I get for just me. Running to the store to get a gallon of milk is as complicated as moving to another state, and my opportunities to be alone with my husband are few and far between. Everyone keeps saying, "get a new hobby," or "buy some new shoes to cheer yourself up." This just resulted in a lot of false starts and a brief stint where I went to Kohl's and Forever Young Shoes too often.
Looking at my heart, I know I have a great relationship with God. I read scriptures daily, I pray constantly, I know the decisions I have made are correct, but I don't know what He is trying to teach me here. I do have faith, but I also can't seem to navigate my way through this. I know I am still me. I know I love my daughter. But why is parenthood so tough on the mother? I think it is because she is the one that takes all this change head on. After our baby was born, my husband still had his same job to return to, yet this is the first time in years that I haven't had somewhere "to go " each day for most of the day.
In the past few months, I have taken my social nature and tried to use it to help others. I visited friends and family and I do what I can to make people happy. But most of the time, I feel like I am still struggling with a loss. A loss of the way things were and now, everything I do relates back to me as a mom. I know I have more dimensions than one, but at this time, I don't know how to tap into those without denying my daughter of what she needs and deserves.
3 comments:
If only a pair of new shoes could fix it all! I hear you, Kate. I understand what you mean when you say there's been a loss -- like someone died, and that someone was the "old you." But we know that when there is a death, the soul -- that is, the essence of that person -- is eternal. The essence of the "old Kate" still exists as a part of you, but she may not necessarily be a part of your everyday routine now...because that routine revolves around someone else. It won't help to yearn for the "old Kate" any more than it does to pine away for a person who has died. Eventually, to find happiness and satisfaction, you have to accept that this *really* is your life now. I call it the "new normal," and you can't base it on what was your "old normal." You can't compare the two, because if you do, you will always feel like you're "kicking the walls," as you so aptly put it. :) Sometimes the mantra "fake it 'til you make it" isn't a bad one. Maybe you honestly don't get a ton of fulfillment from doing laundry, cooking meals, reading storybooks or doing housework -- but in the right spirit, maybe you can if you try. I have to remind myself sometimes that I am forgoing things I *want* for things that other people -- little people I helped create -- *need.* They need a mother, and well-adjusted happy one at that. "The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be." -- Robert Fulghum
Now I've written a comment as long as your post. Looks like you're not the only one waxing introspective today... :)
Well said Kate. You use words so perfectly. I love reading your posts. I was just thinking about this exact thought the other day when Brett came home late from work to our children running around the house naked from their bath. :) I have no advice because I am learning this right along with you. All I can say is that your little daughter is one lucky girl to have a mom like you. We're all in this journey together. Luv ya!
First of all, for Cinderella the right pair of shoes changed her whole life. I just keep looking for the right pair! :) But I guess that is a fairytale and that is what wishes and childhood dreams are made of. I have to say that I got teary and really emotional as I read this post and the comments associated with it. I think that you worded it so well. I completely agree with the things that you said. Motherhood is always the hardest on the Mom. I think with birthing a baby you feel that primitive calling that they need to be taken care of and that falls to you. I remember going through those feelings. For a while I felt that I needed to get some sort of part time job to give myself something to do, a sense of purpose. For so many years I had something that took up my day. Whether it was school, a mission, a job...it was always something that made me feel useful and needed. And not that as a mother you are not those things, it is just different. It takes time to get used to a "new normal" and looking back you will learn a lot about yourself and your relationship with John and what YOU really need, what you want and what you can let go. Evie is so lucky to have you as a Mom. I watch your eyes meet and she lights up with your attention! You truly inspire me to be and do better. Keep working at it, praying and talking a lot with John, it will change, it will get better. This too shall pass, and don't miss Evie growing right along with you in the process.
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