The last time I wrote, I was stuck in the first trimester fears of having a baby, feeling like an emotional wreck and not sure if I would survive pregnancy.Proudly, I can say now that I am on the other side.
Once I hit September and went back to school, I was able to focus. I lost the morning sickness, threw myself into my teaching, and relished in the Fall. But, I also hit the best part of pregnancy. I finally felt the baby move. Like mini nudges from the inside, my little girl poked and fluttered and I giggled my way through the best time of year.
Christmas was also an amazing time, listening to stories of Mary and her own delivery and wondering what mine would be like. The baby's movements became long and liquid, like I had a sea otter swimming around inside, at 9pm every night.
January was the roughest time. The baby was ready to go but my body seemed quite happy in its pregnant state. Everyday I went to work, I was drilled with questions I had no answers to.
Finally, 10 days overdue, the Dr. decided it was time to bring this situation to a head and I was induced. Wanting to do labor naturally, I was not happy about being induced. I had wanted so badly for things to happen on their own. But, even in spite of the the lowest dose of pitocin, I made it through the labor with only some fentanyl. I had gotten to a point during labor when I asked for the epidural (to keep from going mad), but was literally out of time since the anesthesiologist was in a C section and the baby was coming fast. Almost unintentionally, I reached my goal. I thank my Heavenly Father for His Grace and for sparing my body and mind and for making labor go fast enough I didn't perish in the process.
Now here I am, gazing through the doorway of life with a newborn. 2:30 am and 2:30 pm is ultimately the same thing and I sleep no more than 3 hours at a time. When I stand in the kitchen in the middle of the night, I catch a glimpse of the ultrasound photos pasted all over the fridge and it's hard to believe all those nudges came from this little baby, who can't seem to fall asleep unless she is on my tummy. Her funny kicks and twitches are all on the outside now as she is still getting used to her new body.
I on the other hand am still getting used to my new role. What does a mother do? What does it mean to nurture? So far my job consists of feeding, rocking, changing diapers and putting her pacifier back in her mouth about 2 million times a day. I know that is what Mother's do, but what else can I do? I want to build a relationship with this little noodle but it's hard when I feel like I have so little to offer at this point. This little baby has many needs and my biggest job is to decode her cries and come to her rescue.
I guess, I can take heart in the fact that things happen naturally. I got to this point, right? My grandma always told me I "come from a long line of strong women." Maybe they felt just as clueless or just as void of motherly instinct as I do. Maybe they eventually got in a groove and learned what a baby needs. Or maybe they muddled through it just like the rest of us.
3 comments:
Oh Katie! First, I'm so proud of you, making it through without an epidural. What a blessing from Heavenly Father. I knew you could do it!
You know, I think every new mother feels like you do... only few want to admit it. It's hard to bond with your baby when you feel like you're going insane from the hormone fluctuations, and the total lack of sleep. I remember thinking that no one told me it was going to be this hard... or if they had, I hadn't listened, thinking (naively) that I was immune to such mundane new-mom concerns. Ha, was I wrong! I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job, caring for her in every way possible. Trust that you do know what you're doing and keep saying family prayers - they will be answered. And take small breaks from Evie, when you can -- like for girls night. As much as you love her, a few hours away can do wonders.
And yeah, know that everyone's thinking of you. A big congrats again on your little miracle!
The first 3 months can be really hard with the constant nursing, sleep deprivation, diaper changes, etc - Mike calls it the "4th trimester". Baby really just needs your closeness and snuggles to feel safe outside of your body. As she wakes up to her world, you'll start to see where your tenderness and gentleness with her has helped her grow :) You're already a great mama, I know you'll feel better about yourself soon!
Katie!!! Congratulations! I was talking to Tiffany the other day, and she mentioned she'd called and talked to you.
I just wanted to tell you that I am SO happy for you, and wish you ALL the best with your sweet baby girl!
It is hard at first with the lack of sleep and feeling like you don't know what you're doing, but we've all felt that way! Even though it's tough, it's also wonderful! There's nothing quite like snuggling a little newborn baby, and bonding with them and watching them grow. I feel like each day brings a little more confidence, and with time, you'll settle into a routine that works for both of you!
I am just happy beyond words for you, and wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.
Congrats again!
Post a Comment