The Greatest

In the middle of the night, I hear one or two cars pass every hour, and if its raining I can tell by the splash of the tires on the pavement. Most of the time, my neighbors upstairs have turned off the music and all the washers and dryers have fallen quiet. The insurance offices across the street are lit with warm lights that come on once the sun goes down. While sitting on my couch, I can also see the traffic light switch from red to green to yellow to red again, cycling over and over. If the wind is blowing, I can hear it swish through my chimney and cause the pilot light to waver and wiggle. I have also noticed my little fish, Fugi, stays near the bottom of his bowl at night, as if he was resting from a hard day's work.

After two months of getting up at anywhere from 2:30 am to 4:30 am to feed my daughter, these are some of the things that occupy my mind. I watch and listen to the quiet. But last night was different. I wasn't a zombie eager to sleep. This time I was awake.

My daughter had finished her bottle and was changed. Usually this is when I try to get her back to bed so I can get back to bed. But last night she looked at me with wide eyes and her grin with dimples and I didn't care how tired I felt. Instead, I laid her flat on a blanket in our living room and sat above her. Looking up at me, she kicked her legs and wiggled her arms and sometimes looked like she was going to do the backstroke. She smiled and gurgled and did her best to talk to me. We were connected as I looked down at her, literally taken with her every look.

I realized I didn't want a thing to change. I wanted her exactly how she is and each smile from her was like payment for the all the hard stuff. I kept feeling these little surges of warm joy and it was like being in love all over again. I couldn't repress my own laughter. I was giddy and grateful and I wondered to myself who on this earth could resist the smiling face of a baby? Who could repress something so happy?

I pulled up close to her little ears and I told her she was the greatest (which also reminded me of a song by Cat Power called "the Greatest"). So, I grabbed my nano and played the song right next to her ears through the speaker on the outside. She seemed to like it.

Now our little girl has been smiling for sometime, but why was it so powerful last night? I think it was because the world and my mind were finally still. I got her message and as I smiled back and held her little hands with my fingers, I sent my own message in return.

A Horse Down a Well

The story goes that once a man had a beloved horse that fell down a well. The man did everything he could to save the animal but his efforts were in vain. The horse could not be rescued. So, wanting to put the painful experience behind him, the man decided to seal up the well and bury the horse. He called all the neighbors to come with shovels and everyone began to slowly shovel dirt into the long, narrow well.
As each shovel of dirt landed on the horse, he shook it off his back and stepped up. Eventually, after some time, the horse, had enough dirt piled up to scramble out of the well. **

The story is an illustration of how one animal learned how to survive when life threw dirt on his back. He shook it off and stepped up and eventually rose above all the dirt around him.

My husband shared this story with me this past evening when I was pretty worried about our new baby who now seems to have some permanent moderate hearing loss in both ears. This little baby, who I am still getting to know, may or may not recognize my voice. Ironically, she has never been happier, growing bigger and smiling more and more each day. Nothing seems to phase her. But, I sit here, worrying about her education and if the kids at school will treat her nicely, or if she will still learn to play the piano.

Health has always been so important to me. I have watched some of my dearest family struggle with terrible health problems and I myself took a little too long in my life to start taking care of myself the way I should. I guess this is why I hate the idea of having to watch my baby go through struggles too. But I guess that is love isn't it? Watching those you love, struggle and staying instead of walking away.

I'm grateful my husband told me this story the other night. It helped me realize that no matter what we face as a family, this is the point to decide how to react. Lay down and get buried, or shake it off and step up.


**This story is not my own but was in my husband's work newsletter "The Legacy Ledger."

Lent 2011

Wednesday March 9th, people all over the world will give up something for Lent. You may have read in past posts that I have given up such things as candy, buying music on itunes, and sugar for Lent. (Sugar is my truest vice). This year, I've decided that I am giving up chocolate for 40 days.

The last several months, I have wanted chocolate more than normal, but with things in the world like Lindt balls, Tim Tams, and cadbury chocolate bars, who can blame me?

Personally, I know that chocolate from Europe is the best. Cadbury rivals Hershey's time and time again and Cadbury is always victorious. In fact most chocolate and biscuits from Europe are always better over American versions. (except maybe girl scout cookies).

Living in New Zealand, I was introduced to the Tim Tam slam** in all its glory. But, I could not retain my joy when I discovered Pepperidge Farm bought Tim Tam's from Australia and they were finally available here in the U.S. in such places as Target for $2.50. I also owe a great deal to the amazing store World Market. Besides being the best place for Christmas shopping, it also has the best selection of Cadbury chocolates.

However, I am not a chocolate snob. I love my American chocolate. Butterfingers, Milky Way Dark, M&M's and even the long gone Hershey bar with mint cookie crumbles. American candy is a more simple way to go but it can easily take care of a chocolate craving. Ghiradelli is also a must. My family always craved Mrs. Cavanaugh's and I knew people who adored See's chocolates. Honestly, I like them all.

However, one item stands above all the rest, blowing a simple chocolate bar out of the water. It is a drink. A Vegan hot chocolate from the Hatch Family Chocolate Company. (I think they owe me a free drink by now due to how many people I have converted). I am not a Vegan, but something in their specific blend of ingredients in this particular drink equals joy to me. It is self-medication. They use soy milk which makes it taste even darker than their dark hot chocolate. I always order it with whipped cream too which gets some pretty weird looks when you are posing as a vegan, but it softens the dark tones. This drink usually has to be enjoyed in stages. Drinking it in one sitting leads to a heavy, unhappy tummy. I drink it slowly and put the rest in the fridge, heating it up the next day in the microwave. (Note, don't be alarmed if the drink is solid when taking it out of the fridge. This just means it is made with more pure chocolate than you may want to admit).

So, now do you see why I am choosing to sacrifice this for 40 days? I believe it will help my cause... which is to be less indulgent and to be grateful for what I take for granted. Let's just hope I don't lose my mind in the process.

** A Tim Tam slam is when you bite the two corners (kitty corner from each other) off of a Tim Tam cookie and then suck hot chocolate through it like a straw. The cookie will begin to melt and you will have to put the whole thing in your mouth before it falls apart. It also works with cold milk, though it is not called a slam.

My Top Five

And now for something completely different!!!

I would like to take some time out of this normally, scheduled blog to put in a plug for the top five things that have made my life with a newborn so much easier.

Remember this is just one humble (new) mom's opinion.

#1 SwaddleMe

So we have all heard swaddling is the way to go with babies. The hospital nurses did it with their blankets and I have done the same at home. But, we had a pediatrician recommend this. It looks like a strange sack that is open at the top with velcro on the sides.

My husband and I joke that it looks like a straight jacket, but believe it or not, our little one can be screaming in the middle of the night, and when she gets wrapped up in this, she settles down right away. Plus, you can un-velcro the bottom and change a diaper while her arms are still wrapped up. It is total comfort and not too pricey either. I think we got a two pack for 20 bucks.

#2 Gumdrop pacifier

I know not all mom's are really into pacifiers but in our house they have really helped at this stage. Our baby already loves to suck her fingers when she gets stressed and we tried a few pacifiers already. The ones from the hospital are way too big and squish the poor girl's nose. The Gumdrop pacifier looks silly but it is the perfect size. They have a huge notch for the baby's nose and are curved to fit her face. Plus there are holes in the sides so I know she can breathe. But, my favorite part is that they have the little hole in the bottom of the nipple you can stick your finger so the baby can gum your finger. Our baby loves nibbling mom's finger. They are made by Hawaii Medical and I got mine for about $3 bucks each. They are totally worth it!

#3 Dutalier Rocking Chair

Ok, I will just explain that ever since I was a young girl, I always said I wanted a rocking chair when I grew up and had a baby. My mom rocked me to sleep and I decided I wanted to do the same thing. One day, I went out and "test-drove" all the rocking chairs. This one by Dutalier was the best! The back wasn't too high and it wasn't too wide so it fit in our small place. But, it literally has been the BEST thing we bought. I think I spend about 89% of my days and nights, sitting in it, rocking our baby. Prices vary, but just know I was very grateful to have some awesome family that could help me get my Christmas wish this year!

#4 Enfamil Nutramigen Formula

I know, I know, I said it... I am thankful for formula. But, let me give a slight explanation.

My plan was to breastfeed and I did for a the first two weeks until it was apparent that my little girl wasn't getting much from me. The Dr suggested we try some other formulas in small amounts and I worked around the clock to get my body up to speed. Three days later, I had to consent that my little girl's health took priority. I needed her hydrated and I needed her to put on weight and this formula was the only one that she could stomach. I wish it wasn't the most expensive, but I am so grateful it helped her and got her healthy again. And, I am grateful for Walmart's affordable prices.

#5 Receiving Blankets and Burp Cloths

After our girl is wrapped up in her SwaddleMe for bed, she gets wrapped in another blanket. When we go to the Dr. and the baby is getting harassed with pokes or a stethoscope, I wrap her in a blanket and she settles into my arms with a sigh of relief. Blankets are essential.

As for Burp cloths, well, they too have been irreplaceable in moments of drool... which are common with a newborn.

But, really, the best part is that so many people have given us blankets or burp cloths they have sewed or quilted and I can't express how personal it is to use something someone has made for you and your baby. Saying thank you for that seems so trite, but allow me to say thank you anyway for all those blankets and burp cloths we use around the clock.

Ok, those are my top five items that I am grateful for. There are others, such as the invention of the onesie, Dr. Brown bottles, and Fisher Price bouncer chairs... but in the meantime, maybe this can help someone else looking for a solution.

On the Other Side

The last time I wrote, I was stuck in the first trimester fears of having a baby, feeling like an emotional wreck and not sure if I would survive pregnancy.Proudly, I can say now that I am on the other side.

Once I hit September and went back to school, I was able to focus. I lost the morning sickness, threw myself into my teaching, and relished in the Fall. But, I also hit the best part of pregnancy. I finally felt the baby move. Like mini nudges from the inside, my little girl poked and fluttered and I giggled my way through the best time of year.

Christmas was also an amazing time, listening to stories of Mary and her own delivery and wondering what mine would be like. The baby's movements became long and liquid, like I had a sea otter swimming around inside, at 9pm every night.

January was the roughest time. The baby was ready to go but my body seemed quite happy in its pregnant state. Everyday I went to work, I was drilled with questions I had no answers to.

Finally, 10 days overdue, the Dr. decided it was time to bring this situation to a head and I was induced. Wanting to do labor naturally, I was not happy about being induced. I had wanted so badly for things to happen on their own. But, even in spite of the the lowest dose of pitocin, I made it through the labor with only some fentanyl. I had gotten to a point during labor when I asked for the epidural (to keep from going mad), but was literally out of time since the anesthesiologist was in a C section and the baby was coming fast. Almost unintentionally, I reached my goal. I thank my Heavenly Father for His Grace and for sparing my body and mind and for making labor go fast enough I didn't perish in the process.

Now here I am, gazing through the doorway of life with a newborn. 2:30 am and 2:30 pm is ultimately the same thing and I sleep no more than 3 hours at a time. When I stand in the kitchen in the middle of the night, I catch a glimpse of the ultrasound photos pasted all over the fridge and it's hard to believe all those nudges came from this little baby, who can't seem to fall asleep unless she is on my tummy. Her funny kicks and twitches are all on the outside now as she is still getting used to her new body.

I on the other hand am still getting used to my new role. What does a mother do? What does it mean to nurture? So far my job consists of feeding, rocking, changing diapers and putting her pacifier back in her mouth about 2 million times a day. I know that is what Mother's do, but what else can I do? I want to build a relationship with this little noodle but it's hard when I feel like I have so little to offer at this point. This little baby has many needs and my biggest job is to decode her cries and come to her rescue.

I guess, I can take heart in the fact that things happen naturally. I got to this point, right? My grandma always told me I "come from a long line of strong women." Maybe they felt just as clueless or just as void of motherly instinct as I do. Maybe they eventually got in a groove and learned what a baby needs. Or maybe they muddled through it just like the rest of us.

I'm a hormonal monster... can you blame me?

Man, I really thought the mood swings were over, until today when every little thing was like glass in my ears.

Being a nanny right now has been a dream until today when you mix my short temper with sibling rivalry, a LARGE dog, who can't relax, and some 99 degree weather. I have snapped my way through, alligator style and have become tired monster who only craves a cup of noodles (note: this won't last long... My cravings change every week or so when what I want shifts to the list of things I feel like puking up... sorry)

But, I have also heard about other women in my life struggling lately with emotions and ups and downs. Whether due to dating or stupid boys or hard decisions and I want to ask "Who's idea was it to make the mother or the woman the emotionally unstable one?" Shouldn't we always be like a rock because we have so much pressure heaped on us to follow through and NOT lose our cool?

I stood in a grocery store today and watched a little child have a 5 alarm freak-out. It got so loud, the kids I nanny for just stood and stared in disbelief. I also watched as the mom of the child tried to juggle her 5 yr old boy with his fingers in his ears (trying to block out the noise) and her firecracker, red faced and screeching, The woman looked like she was ready to scratch out her own eyes or the eyes of her child. Now, I am not an idiot, I know this happens all the time, but I stood there praying that whatever type of child is developing in me would never become like that. But, is there really a way to avoid it? Probably not. But, I have felt that before... that panic and fear when a child suddenly heralds death spirits with its tantrum call. What do you do? Maybe that is when I could tune out and pretend Ray LaMontagne was standing next to me, singing to me in his rough, relaxing tones.

But really, what do you do when you are hormonally handicapped? When you are a monster flipping in and out of sanity? Does anyone else find it unfair that the "nurturer" also has to be the hormonally psycho one?

I'm not sure how to wrap this one up nice and pretty. I like what my mom said... she said "women may seem crazy, but we get our emotions out while men have a harder time with this." Whatever the reason, I am glad that I and all other women have a place to meet and understand each other. It helps to know we all over-feel and we are capable of so much love as well and so much insanity. :)

Two heartbeats

Sometimes, when I had trouble sleeping, I'd lay on my stomach and wrap my arm across my chest with my fingers next to my neck. Then, I'd fall asleep listening to my heartbeat. It might sound strange, but that slow rhythm was calming and beautiful.

A few days ago, I had the pleasure of listening to my slow rhythmic heart beat and another beat, rapid and fluttering quietly in time with me.

I am pregnant. And for the first time in my life, I am sharing all my experiences with another little soul. Up until now, it was only me. I was all alone. Even after being married, it was still me on my own sometimes. But now whatever I do, this little one, is there... there on my bike rides and at work and while I sleep... growing.

So, besides the fact that I can't stand chocolate now and I crave chicken nuggets and marinara sauce all the time, (not together) and I go to bed and wake up with a stomach ache, I remember this is something big. It is divine and it is a gift. It is our gift. Our first baby.