Anyway, this year I had a few things that seemed fitting to try. I won't bore you with the lame resolutions like to floss everyday. But the one I wanted to mention was my resolve to write in this blog weekly. I love to write but I do have to push myself on occasion. So, I have decided to write weekly.... we will have to see how this goes. At least is will give me something enjoyable to add to my list of "to-do's."
Back to contemplating...It seems so odd to look at my life now, and look back to where I was a year ago, obsessed with the unknown and looking at upcoming parenthood with a chill of excitement and fear. Things have peaked and fallen and begun to swerve into a direction I had no way of foreseeing. Having our daughter arrive safely was a total miracle. Getting used to a newborn and surviving the lack of sleep was another miracle. Finding out she had hearing loss, visiting with Doctors and specialists, and then finding a way to get our own hearing aids for her was beyond a miracle.... it was upsetting and scary and yet, I feel like it all needed to happen.
Our daughter was late and when I was taken in to get checked, the nurses performed the stress test to see if she was doing ok. When she didn't respond to the loud noises, they induced me and we had her that night. When she came, it became clear that the cord was not only around her neck, but also tied in a true knot, which cinched at her delivery. So, needless to say, we believe her hearing loss saved her from further complications. I will be honest, it took a while for me to see things that way. My husband helped me to recognize it and after a short period of mourning for her, for her loss, I felt fine. My heart was healed by the Lord. Our little girl was the one to teach me to be happy no matter what. She smiled at me and progressed as happily as any child, reminding me that everything would be just fine.
Shortly after that, I became a mother of three overnight and just for 3 months. No, I didn't have triplets, I just became a nanny for the summer. It was hard and I was so exhausted, yet it taught me when push comes to shove, I could totally handle three kids.
Shortly after that, my husband decided to go back to school to become a chaplain and I chose my path and stayed at home to teach our daughter and be there with her always. My nanny job was over and the baby and I were together all the time, (all day and almost every evening) as my husband was at school after working all day.
I think this has been the hardest tender spot for me. I have heard people say you need to re-invent yourself each time you have a baby and others insist that working a part time job will help stave off the baby blues. But really, how do you keep a woman sane whose a people-person at heart? I love being with the baby, but at this stage, things are too lonely and slow in my life. Don't get me wrong, I can hear the voices out there insisting it will change, but no matter how many kids you have... Motherhood can be isolating.
I miss the chats I used to have with co-workers every morning. I miss the days when I was in school and had classmates and discussions and papers to write.
Now I am learning how to keep to a budget (which I did great till December!) and find things to keep my heart happy so our little girl will have a sane, stable mommy (I must admit here that I have an addiction to shopping that has reared its ugly head. Things started innocently by getting baby and I out of the house, but budgets and casual shoe shopping do not go hand in hand).
Going to the gym also became my refuge in the morning. I spent all year trying to get my body back after our girl was born and right around October, I figured I had lost a total of 33 lbs. I had managed to lose the baby weight and then some. But it wasn't just about getting into shape. The gym became a place where I could listen to talks, books, scriptures, and music, and see other people. Plus, I got up early enough that both baby and husband slept the whole time I was gone. The only drawback was my tired afternoons :)
Other things to cope... I learned how to make flower pins and small, button earrings that were baby friendly so I could try to be stylish and not lose my ear lobes during the grabbing stages. I gave myself a schedule of what to clean and when, so our little apartment was somewhat in order. I listened to a lot of music, watched movies, found recipes and cooked more. But what I really needed to do was to get out and visit others. And now, I am realizing I created a monster.
Our little girl is the most social person I have ever met, besides me. She blooms in front of random people at the grocery store and she can get the most downhearted to smile back at her. Is it bad that I love the attention she brings? I love hearing people's comments about her. Sometimes they just comment on her to each other and I can over hear what they are saying.
Point is- I love seeing her bring out the best in others and I don't feel like I can take much credit for how she is. But it is nice to think that what I do with her each day is bringing her up the best way possible.
So, yeah... this year has been a lot to handle. A lot has come and a lot is coming. Part of me is just excited for the things on the horizon... like the new Andrew Bird album and my sister-in-law's wedding, and the Hobbit movie, and my 30th birthday this year, and seeing our baby go from crawling like crazy to walking like crazy, and hearing some more words and hoping she gets some more hair.
Everyone says when you have a baby, it is the most exciting time of your life. I argue that seeing them grow is what makes it worth it. Not only that, but seeing yourself grow in the process has made a world of difference.
ps- the above image is from Threadless.com and is for a T-shirt for Mothers month. I loved it and had to use it in this blog.
1 comment:
Hello,
My name is John and I have a quick question about your blog! Could you please email me?
Thank you,
John
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