Last night I spent most of the night up with my baby, rocking her, talking peacefully in her ears and humming to her so that she might stop crying. Our one and only daughter is almost past the definition of "baby." She is a few days shy of turning one year old.
She has been very healthy until now and though the Dr. today couldn't find anything really wrong with her, I just kept thinking that she probably caught the cold I've had and have been trying to ignore for a week. As I struggled keeping her little body still and relaxed and as she cried and screamed at me to make things better, I felt frustrated. What can I do? Everything felt hopeless as she wriggled and batted away at the bottle I thought might help.
Then I remember that everything to her is a first. Everything is brand new... well except for maybe the taste of a bottle, the feel of her car seat and our goofy smiles at her when she wakes up.
But this low-grade fever, the taste of spaghetti, and even the clown fish swimming at the Dr.'s office are just a few firsts for her. Feeling an ache in your muscles and a throat as thick as sand is all new. It was the first time she didn't really feel good.
Our daughter is in fact, a first for me. She was my first diaper change and the first living thing without feathers, scales or fur that depended on me for everything. (Pets were nothing compared to what a baby needs.)
I still remember that first ride home from the hospital. Everyone tells you how surreal it is to come home with a little baby in your arms and no one will be taking over. It is all up to you... You will learn how to feed her, change her diapers, clothe her, get her shots, take her to the Dr., and don't forget to sing to her, play with her and be amazed by her... all while letting your body recover from the major event that it has gone through. Talk about overwhelming. We drove home and while I sat with the baby in the back, the song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" came over the radio. Were the Rolling Stones trying to teach us something about parenting?
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
well you just might find
you get what you need
Boy does this ring true after my first year of parenthood. If I got what I wanted, labor would be easy, feeding a baby would come perfectly naturally like all the lactation specialists said it would. I would always get enough sleep and our little baby would never wake up screaming just because she lost her binky.
But, man I got what I needed. Nine months of pregnancy and a labor that taught me my life and the baby's life is only in the hands of God. I got major feeding road blocks and a complete lack of sleep. I got a happy baby who looked to me for everything, and I knew nothing. Humility was always the main dish.
Then, last night, I realized something. It was at that point when my sleep deprivation seeped away and my heart changed from wanting the baby to sleep so I could... to wanting the baby to feel better. It wasn't about me, it was about her. But that was also the point when I knew I could only do so much and the rest was up to her to learn. Last night after we had done everything in our power to help, she was learning that we are mortals and we get sick. And being sick just sucks.
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