Green to Gold and Gold to Brown

It was Mary Oliver who said in winter "the whole world smells like water in an iron cup." I have never been fond of the extreme seasons. I like a month or so of them, but then I am ready to move on.

Take for instance Winter. The air always seems too thin and it is too quiet with all the birds gone. And also there is Summer.... Everyone loves Summer. I don't. And as far as I know, I am one of the only people who is not a fan of the heated, sweating season. But as much as I hate these extremes, some things have won me over.
In winter, I love the way trees look with no leaves. Their sharp branches crossing against gray and blue. I love winter's dull, eternal blue hour. Everything melts into grayscale.
And in spite of the extra heat and thick air, I love summer nights when the deep breath of the day has been released. I also love walking barefoot over pavement, barely cool from the set sun.

However, lately, I have really been craving color. I'm not sure if all the pink I have been wearing lately has been cutting it. It is this extra need that reminds me it is about time for Spring. In fact, I must have a thing for color, because my two favorite seasons have extreme color in common. Whether it is birth or full bloom before death, Spring and Autumn are full of sweet smelling air, bluer skies, overflowing trees and a huge sigh of relief from the extremes. The hard part is waiting and watching as the sun begins to surface more often and wake up all that are sleeping.

This past fall, Ray LaMontagne released a new album called, Gossip in the Grain. Every one of his albums are separate, distinct and personal. This newest album had a song called "Winter Birds" and it has been a frequent song played on the ipod.

Here is a beautiful moment in the song:

The winter birds have come back again,
Here the sprightly Chickadee
Gone now is the Willow Wren
In passing greet each other as if old, old friends
And to the voiceless trees
It is their own they will lend

The days grow short
As the nights grow long
The kettle sings it's tortured song
As many petalled kiss I place upon her brow,
Oh, my lady, Lady I am loving you now

And though all these things will change,
The memories will remain
As green to gold, and gold to brown
The leaves will fall to feed the ground
And in their falling, make no sound

Here's to the coming Spring and the hope of emerging out of the gray.

My Views on Love-New addition

It was a year ago that I first posted a blog about love. As life is a process of learning,  I feel like posting a simple quote that has extended my understanding.  I read it this year in a book called, The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.  The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

This Year I have named the "Year of Charity."  As we all know, love applies to much more than just a significant other.  We love our families and our friends and yes, even our animals.  I have learned what it means to love my co-workers and to love the children I teach.  And, I have completely been hurt, scratched, bruised and broken.  The list of songs about how love hurts is almost as long as the songs about how great love feels.

 But, I think C.S. Lewis is saying God wants us to have love.  He wants us to experience it and he wants us to go through every aspect of it. He wants us to be vulnerable and sick and ancy and joyful and tearful and prayerful.  He loves us and Charity is His pure love.  He wants us to feel it and give it as he has given it.  But, like all gifts, one party must give and another must receive. I have been guilty of not receiving. But living an open life... one that will receive love, will hurt.  I never realized how vulnerable love makes us, yet the bible says,"perfect love casteth out all fear."  

I decided this year would be the year of Charity when in Sunday school, I read in the Book of Mormon 2nd Nephi 26:30, "All men should have charity, which charity is love.  And except they have charity, they are nothing."  What else is Hell than nothing?  To me, hell would be an empty place...void, and soundless, and cold. 

On this Valentine's Day, I wanted to share my limited understanding of something we are blessed to feel, if we are willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable... and that is love.  

 

 

One for the Birds

Meet Bundles.  This is my bird.   He is just shy of 20 years old and has single-handedly,  outlasted every other pet I took care of as a kid.  This includes a guinea Pig, a frog, a betta, a labrador, and a tank full of random fish.  This blog is dedicated to him since I believe he is at the root of my bird fascination.

   

Since I was young, I've always loved birds. Bundles became mine when I was 7 and a half.  Our family  had taken care of my aunt's bird who could whistle the Andy Griffith theme song and after my tragic attempt to care for a hamster, I believed a Cockatiel would be the perfect pet.  My parents agreed and sadly, they had no idea what they had gotten themselves into.  Bundles is only in love with me.  He is mean to all others and will only "tolerate" my parents, husband and best friend.  He is happiest with me and his longevity has given everyone a run for their money. 

 

But, Bundles was my best friend when life was at its toughest.  Like all good pets, he could sense my fears, disappointments, and joys.  I used to love watching him stretch his long gray wings and dip his face into his water bowl for a drink.  However fun it was watching Bundles wipe extra water from his face, I loved watching him sleep.   When birds are truly sleeping, they are found on one foot, with their head turned back and tucked beneath a wing.  Once, I sat on my bed, drawing and he fell asleep on my knee.  Standing on one foot and fluffed up like a gray dollop of meringue, I watched Bundles breathe slowly and I fell even more in love with birds.

I love their wings and eager, dark eyes.  Everything about their sleek feathered bodies and dinosaur feet fascinates me. As a teenager, I had a picture of a Barn Owl on my wall and I would pester my Dad to tell me about his pet owl Oliver he cared for as a boy.  I loved the Tracy Aviary and soon fell in love with the Bird Refuge. 

Bird songs have been so comforting to me while also making me homesick for New Zealand.  In Hamilton, I remember waking up to the billions of birds singing outside my window and feeling the heaviness of winter lift from my shoulders.  Heck, one of my favorite singers is Andrew Bird and he must have a like fascination.  He whistles in his music, accompanying himself with a tender violin, and often his melodies remind me of bird songs.  (Ethiobirds is his best work)

But, down deep somewhere, I'm really jealous of any animal that is capable of flying.  Light as hollow glass, birds can slide through air and land in the tops of narrow branches we "earth-bound" would shudder to step foot on.  It must be such a feeling to soar so high and so far.  Maybe that is why I always loved singing.  It was the closest I could ever come to flying.  

 

I have fallen in love recently.  John and I have begun to collect a little gathering of fish at our house and have become frequent Petco shoppers.  About a month ago, while getting fish food, I met a little bird named Sherburt.  He is a White Bellied Caique with a ridiculous price tag (thanks to Petco).  I've visited with him often lately.  He rolls on his back, sticks his feathered talons in the air and acts like a true ham.  

With the "No Pet" rules established at our apartment, I really miss Bundles these days. But he is safely nestled in with my parents instead of being in the corner of my room, squawking at me to let him curl up on my pillow.  I still remember in New Zealand, when I missed Bundles, I would go down to the local park where there was a huge cage, 8 feet high, and full of Cockatiels.  It still seems impossible to write about, but I feel like that crazy, moody, little bird was a little gift from God to me.  

A Change is Gonna Come

This morning, I really didn't want to be at school.  It was too cold.  It has been too cold to wear skirts since mid-October, but I wear them everyday regardless.  I was not looking forward to going into my classroom today and teaching our kids again to spell and number their clocks with the 12 at the top instead of the 1.  I didn't want to focus on keeping them busy, learning new cursive letters or writing two or three sentences over and over again.  I didn't want to do it all again.

But as the sun poured over the mountains, my attention was drawn up to the top of a boney tree on our playground.  In the highest branches sat one bird. Then three or four more arrived. Their little voices flew high and I felt sorry for how cold they must be.  My mind started turning like it used to with ideas and images for poems I have never written.

I used to spend night after night writing poetry.  I used to fill notebooks with ideas and get up early to meet classmates at 7:00am on campus.  We would read and edit and write poetry. Then, we all graduated and moved away.  Some moved far away and studied more poetry and some started families.  

Here I was, in the middle of this playground in 20 degree weather, missing my old self.  

It hit me hard today that I am still mourning a loss.  I never got accepted to Grad school and life changed on me.  I got  married and went from teaching imagist poetry to asking six year olds what shapes they see in the American flag.

Please, do not read wrong.....  I am happier being married than I have ever been.  But, I miss some of the old parts of me that are still here.  I still want to write.  My life will always change, but no one can change that I am a writer.  I see things like a writer and I feel things like a writer.  I may not be an excellent writer, but I need to write.

This job has wrung me out with both hands.  Physically, I have never been as sick with colds or as sore in my back and legs as I have this first year teaching.  Dealing with some students and understanding their needs for attention, has just about killed me at times.  But there is one thing I will always love.  I love reading to my kids.  I love watching them sit below me, with their legs crossed and their eyes wide when I show them the pictures on each page.  I love making voices as I read and I love making them laugh.  

I have recently been introduced to a new series of books called the Mr. Putter and Tabby Stories by Cynthia Rylant.  I love them.  They are perfect for Kindergartners.  The other day I read Mr. Putter and Tabby Write the Book.  Without giving too much away, this one was about how Mr. Putter (an old man) decided to write a mystery book and ended up spending more time cooking his snack to eat while writing than actually writing.  In the end, he takes a piece of paper and writes the title, "Good Things."  Then he lists all the good things in his life and reads it as a poem to his neighbor Mrs. Teaberry.  She tells him not to feel bad that he never finished the mystery story because not enough people write about the Good Things in this life.

This was a good book.  It was a gentle reminder to me that any writing I do, is good enough.  I may not have made it into the highly competitive MFA programs I applied to all over the country.  I may not ever get more than my Bachelors.  But, I can always read and write about what matters to me... and best of all, I am learning how important it really is to read to my own kids.

So, no blog this inspiring should go without a resolution, right?  Once a person gets married, they tend to start a family blog to keep friends updated on their ever-changing lives.  John and I will eventually do this.  Probably much sooner than later.  But it won't be here in the refuge.  He has already reminded me, this blog is for me and me only.  I plan on making a resolution from here on to write a little weekly.  Even if it is something small.... I need to write.  Things here may not be finished or perfect, but they will be from me.    And in the refuge... always feel free to read the little bits here.  They will be genuine and everyone is welcome.

"Can I go to the bathroom?"

Do you know how often I hear these words everyday? Let's just say if I was paid five cents every time this phrase was uttered, John and I would be living in a house.

So, this is my little update... A few things have happened since I wrote last. I am no longer single, turning the page on that chapter and now reading up on being a new wife. I also took a job teaching kindergarten at a private school. Instead of spending my time at a desk for eight hours, my day consists of picture books, 11am snacks, and the agonizing section of the day termed "nap time." This is one of the hardest parts of the day for me and for my kids. It seems to be against a 6 year old's nature to lay still on a cushy mat and listen to pretty music. I would sell my fingers and toes to lay down too, but my job is different.

At my school, they break in new teachers by putting them in Kindergarten. We learn ways to teach reading and math skills and do so by teaching with another experienced teacher. I am really an apprentice. But, I like to think I am the muscle that keeps the class in line.

While the other teachers teach, I sit in the back, or stand off to the side and practice saying things like, "No, there is only one capital letter in your name..." or "we do not use our scissors like that..." I pace the room, with my arms folded, watching and correcting. Our Christmas program is tomorrow and my sole job in the whole process has been to keep children from screaming Joy to the World and wiggling themselves right off the stage.

I expect motherhood to be something like this... though thankfully I will not give birth to 18 children at once and have them all reach Kindergarten at the same time. That would really suck.

Life as a new wife has been much more pleasing. I guess it always helps to marry your best friend. We were given the advice to always laugh and I think John and I have already mastered this. It has been so much fun to have someone there when you get home and someone to make Belgian waffles with on Saturday mornings. But it is best when we look back at how we got here and realize all the blind dates, past relationships and frustrating wedding plans were all worth it when it leads to something this good. Marriage is really cool.

However, I have decided it is time to learn how to do a few things like... how to cook. Happily I know how to clean and do laundry and those things can be relaxing when I have burned the bottom of our one and only pot again.

My favorite new pastime is drying stuff. We got a food dehydrator and I have dried apples, kiwis, peaches, pears, and pineapple slices. John got adventuresome and made homemade beef jerky. It tasted just like the 6 dollar stuff at 7-11 but our apartment smelled like a butcher shop for a few days.

I also like living in a new city. I still find myself gravitating to the D.C. because I know where everything is already as opposed to having to look up the nearest Barnes and Noble.   But, Salt Lake has its definite pluses. We live in a beautiful area with lots of trees and most of the time it doesn't even feel like Utah. I found a new route to run and our apartment is as cozy as I could imagine. However, it takes a lot for the sun to get to us and we have little to no cell phone reception. Sometimes I just feel like I am on vacation in an unreachable land.

Well, I am going to end my update with a little list of the most important things I have learned in the last few months of my life. John said I am good at lists and I take pride in that fact!

• Crock pots are the best cooking device ever invented
• at school, imitation is really the sincerest form of flattery
• small apartments get messy fast, but they clean up fast (this motivates me to have a small house)
• even fake plants and flowers can make any room happier
• recess is when someone's true character comes out
• dried kiwi tastes like death but dried pears are fairly tasty
• when you like someone, draw them a picture
• Walmart has awesome deals on fake Christmas trees
• sleeping in on Saturday mornings is the best part of the week
• Red Box carries some really stupid movies that make me wish I got my dollar back
• reading at home with your kids will be worth more than anything to a child
• thanks you notes take longer than you think
• Change in life keeps you on your toes and as long as you are trying, you never really fail anything.... you just keep practicing.

My Views on Love- #3, concerning music...

This post is going to be a little different than the my other posts about love. After going to a concert the other night, I felt like it was extremely important for me to write about falling in love with a song.


The other night, I kept up my status as a "concert girl" and attended a free concert at the Galavant Center in downtown Salt Lake. Now, let me give you my background with the musician I saw there that night..... His name is Andrew Bird.


About a year ago, a friend introduced me to a song by Andrew Bird. The song was called "Sovay." It was VERY good but his music reminded me of the male version of Regina Spektor. A few months later, a friend who had gone to California to hear Andrew Bird, introduced me to all of his music. I put it on my ipod in a playlist called Birds and during a boring day in December, I listened to it blindly. I was at work and around 4 in the afternoon, I came across a ten minute instrumental piece with violins and crickets in the background. The piece was called "Ethiobirds" and it literally sounded like a mass of birds moving. I was blown away. It was beautiful. I told everyone about it! No one could quite get why I loved the song so much. But, slowly, I got very interested in this guy. I googled him and looked him up on Wikipedia and found Andrew bird was a thin, angled man from Chicago, with a suzuki education in violin. His lyrics rarely made complete sense to me, but usually they appeased my ears. He was an expert whistler and his voice was cool and relaxing in more than one way. I was hooked right away.



So, Back to the concert... That night, the crowd was annoying and about 85% were drinking and NOT paying attention to the entertainment. Being packed onto the grass with sweaty, stinking, people who were not aware of the music, created a plenty of tension. I was beyond frustrated. But then, Andrew Bird, lanky and dark haired, sang softly in the microphone and played long lines of his melody with the chaos of the guitars and drums. My head moved to one side and I connected with this guy. It was like he was playing and only I could hear. I fell in love with the music.



So, yeah. It sounds cheesy, but it is soooo real. It is possible to fall in love with a song. Don't believe me? Read the book The Awakening. It is totally possible.


Anyway, I want to give a few more examples of songs that I have fallen for harder than any teenage crush. Usually after hearing the song, I was hooked. I bought other songs and albums by the artist. But the greatest part is that I've listened to these songs over and over again and I still feel as much love for them as I did during the first listen . Some are popular some are weird. But, I feel it is my duty to share them.


*Till the Sun Turns Black- Ray LaMontagne: The whole album is wonderful, but when I heard this song and how it described the simple beauties of life, I lost myself in it. Plus, I've mentioned this guy's voice before and it is an instant aphrodisiac.


*Summertime- The Fire Theft: I think the rhythm moved me first on this one. Plus, Jeremy Enigk has the type of voice that is very rough and somehow it is strangely endearing. I somehow get drawn in every time. Oh, I also love the sea sounds at the end of the song. It makes me miss the ocean.


*The Scientist- Coldplay: Ok, I think everyone knows by now how much I love Coldplay. But, this was the first song that helped draw me in. I had heard "Yellow" and "Clocks," but this song was just so sweet and I am a sucker for the sweet ones.


*Silent Sigh-Badly Drawn Boy: I had never even heard of Badly Drawn Boy until a dear friend introduced me to the movie, About A Boy. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is British and the language is a bit rough for a pg-13. But... It has a wonderful moral and this song comes at such a pivotal scene! I used to listen to this song when I wanted a true dose of bittersweet. That word describes the movie perfectly too.

*Time is Running Out-Muse: I found out about Muse when I went to the "Twilight" website and read the playlists of songs Stephenie Meyer recommended as a soundtrack for her books. I like this song a lot and seeing it live last September was AWESOME!!!

*Atlantic-Keane: When I came across this song, I had an album of Keane already. However, when I heard this song, I was sold. This song builds and builds and then breaks. It is such a good one to listen to with headphones so you can hear all the layers.


*Daisy-Switchfoot: I think this has been of the most therapeutic song for me of all time! Switchfoot is a Christian Band, so they have awesome lyrics and messages to share. But, this song has really helped me when I have not had the courage to let go of something.


*Past and Pending- The Shins: Ok, I love "New Slang" as much as everyone else, but this song has always been soooo much better. I loved it and I think it is because it is so simple.


*Nothing Better-Postal Service: This one was introduced to me at the perfect time. It is a song of dialogue between two indie legends (Ben Gibbard and Jenny Lewis). The guy wants to get together and the girl needs to say no and stick to her answer. Postal Service came right when I was ready for a change in my music and this song stood above the rest on the Give Up album.

*Casimir Pulaski Day-Sufjan Stevens: Sufjan Stevens is a favorite of mine and always will be. His gentle voice, strange arrangements, and uplifting messages have always caught my attention fully. But, this song is sweet and about loving someone who is gone. It is the song that made me realize how awesome Sufjan really is.

*Carousel- Iron and Wine: It took me a while to recognize the beauty of this song, but one day when I was doing the dishes, this song came over the ipod and it struck me hard. Sam Beam sounded like he was singing underwater. Then, I saw it live and now the song is a classic, beautiful example to me of Iron and Wine at their best.

So, that is my little list of first loves. If you read this blog and like it, please make a comment and let me know what songs you have fallen in love with. I am always looking for new music!!

My Views on Love-Installment #2

It has been a little too long since I posted anything new... and the time has come for me to write! Many of you know I don't usually use the blog to write about new things in my life, as much as I write about ideas and the current musings of my mind. Let me see if I can do something that will appease both.

So, yes. I am engaged to be married. I got engaged June 13th at Red Butte Gardens and it has been a CRAZY ride since then. Mostly because I have no idea how to plan a wedding and those plans, combined with preparation for a new job teaching Kindergarten (starting just a little less than a week before I am married this Fall) was enough stress to throw me off into my wild orbits of craziness.

But, I want to say, I am very, very lucky. I am marrying a man who is kind, dedicated, loving, passionate, and my best friend. And, this leads me to an issue I wish to address.....

Most of you will remember my first post on love and my definition of love (love is having faith in someone). This definition is as true now as it ever was. However, since I started dating and since I got engaged, I have been VERY frustrated with Chick Flicks. Some of them make a mockery of love and faith. I am sorry if anyone is offended by this. I must admit, I still watch them... but to me, Love is not what the movies portray. It is not a hurried, flashy, gooey story where the man and woman fall deeply in love on the spot. I guess a prime example of this movie is Sleepless in Seattle.

Now, I love the movie for its humor and its hilarious portrayal of the differences between men and women. But, can we really believe that "magic" is the one and only thing people need to survive? No. Love is so much deeper than that. I agree there needs to be an element of passion and excitement, but to me love is literally a divine connection between two people. Not something strange and unknown.

Ok, so you say, "Katie, what chick flicks are good chick flicks?" Well, first let me preface these suggestions by saying they are not the typical "chick flicks." But I believe they do a nice job of showing different aspects of love.

If I were to pick a movie of the Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan vein, I think I would choose Joe Vs. the Volcano. I like the love story in this one. I also like how Joe Banks meets three different variations of Meg Ryan before they seem to connect and make a strong relationship. I think that is very true to life. In many ways we date and meet people who are "versions" of the type of person we are to eventually be happy with.

Um, another movie I love that seems to stand well against my standards....The Village. Yeah, I know. It is a scary movie, but the love story is soooo heart-warming. Love is the only virtue that can truly save us. Heck, I think Harry Potter incorporated that same theme too. (Note: Believe it or not, the love story in Walle was quite touching too and I cried. That is pretty rare for me, the heartless wench that I am, who never cries).

Though all of these movies are great, I still feel the best Love Stories were written by the All-Knowing Queen of Love, Jane Austen. Yes. I am sure any guy readers of this blog have now rolled their eyes or clicked off the page. But what I am trying to say is, that Jane Austen's love stories involve the exact elements that make love real. And NO, I am not talking about marrying millionaires. But, I am talking about a flawed man and a flawed woman, working through their own faults before they can love each other.
I am talking about two best friends who have grown up together and have never thought about love and then almost let fear stand in the way of their happiness. And I am talking about recognizing true love, over the flighty opinions of others. Or recognizing devotion and happiness over the prideful reckless behavior that can sting so badly. This is why I believe it.
The last element that makes Jane Austen's love stories REAL... the very real element of TIME. Love takes time. Love is all about Patience. I always think of Lizzie and Mr. Darcy and how much they had to go through before they got together. I think they learned a lot about each other and a lot about what true love is. But I bet things weren't always perfect after they were married, even if they were living in that trillion dollar mansion, Pemberly. But, I bet they loved each other enough to work through anything.

So, maybe in the future I can write a long list of the chick flicks that portray love as it really is. But I really just wanted to say I am grateful to of had the sense to recognize love in my own life. I understand the connection between two people and their own personal connection with God. I firmly believe you can't love someone until you love God and you love yourself. I'm just glad God wants us to be happy and that he is endlessly patient with me. Knowing that, has always given me the faith to love without fear.