A Few Firsts and What The Rolling Stones Taught Me

Last night I spent most of the night up with my baby, rocking her, talking peacefully in her ears and humming to her so that she might stop crying.  Our one and only daughter is almost past the definition of "baby."  She is a few days shy of turning one year old.

She has been very healthy until now and though the Dr. today couldn't find anything really wrong with her, I  just kept thinking that she probably caught the cold I've had and have been trying to ignore for a week. As I struggled keeping her little body still and relaxed and as she cried and screamed at me to make things better, I felt frustrated.  What can I do?  Everything felt hopeless as she wriggled and batted away at the bottle I thought might help.

Then I remember that everything to her is a first.  Everything is brand new... well except for maybe the taste of a bottle, the feel of her car seat and our goofy smiles at her when she wakes up.

But this low-grade fever, the taste of spaghetti, and even the clown fish swimming at the Dr.'s office are just a few firsts for her.  Feeling an ache in your muscles and a throat as thick as sand is all new.  It was the first time she didn't really feel good.

Our daughter is in fact, a first for me.  She was my first diaper change and the first living thing without feathers, scales or fur that depended on me for everything.  (Pets were nothing compared to what a baby needs.)

I still remember that first ride home from the hospital.   Everyone tells you how surreal it is to come home with a little baby in your arms and no one will be taking over.  It is all up to you... You will learn how to feed her, change her diapers, clothe her, get her shots, take her to the Dr., and don't forget to sing to her, play with her and be amazed by her... all while letting your body recover from the major event that it has gone through.  Talk about overwhelming. We drove home and while I sat with the baby in the back, the song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" came over the radio.  Were the Rolling Stones trying to teach us something about parenting?

No, you can't always get what you want 
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
well you just might find
you get what you need 


Boy does this ring true after my first year of parenthood.  If I got what I wanted, labor would be easy, feeding a baby would come perfectly naturally like all the lactation specialists said it would.  I would always get enough sleep and our little baby would never wake up screaming just because she lost her binky.

But, man I got what I needed.  Nine months of pregnancy and a labor that taught me my life and the baby's life is only in the hands of God.  I got major feeding road blocks and a complete lack of sleep.  I got  a happy baby who looked to me for everything, and I knew nothing.  Humility was always the main dish.

Then, last night, I realized something.  It was at that point when my sleep deprivation seeped away and my heart changed from wanting the baby to sleep so I could... to wanting the baby to feel better.  It wasn't about me, it was about her.   But that was also the point when I knew I could only do so much and the rest was up to her to learn. Last night after we had done everything in our power to help, she was learning that we are mortals and we get sick.  And being sick just sucks.

Poor thing.  Life lessons are hard, but they are there to make sure we don't glide through life like ignorant lemmings.  We learn, we grow and now I get to watch this little baby learn and grow...Painful and perfect as it is.

Reflecting on my 2011: First as a mom and as myself

Well here we are, another new year at our faces and an old one at our heels. I like to try to make new years resolutions because I think it helps me keep myself on track. I like the challenge. Probably the same reason I observe Lent.

Anyway, this year I had a few things that seemed fitting  to try. I won't bore you with the lame resolutions like to floss everyday.  But the one I wanted to mention was my resolve to write in this blog weekly. I love to write but I do have to push myself on occasion. So, I have decided to write weekly.... we will have to see how this goes.  At least is will give me something enjoyable to add to my list of "to-do's."

Back to contemplating...It seems so odd to look at my life now, and look back to where I was a year ago, obsessed with the unknown and looking at upcoming parenthood with a chill of excitement and fear. Things have peaked and fallen and begun to swerve into a direction I had no way of foreseeing. Having our daughter arrive safely was a total miracle. Getting used to a newborn and surviving the lack of sleep was another miracle.  Finding out she had hearing loss, visiting with Doctors and specialists, and then finding a way to get our own hearing aids for her was beyond a miracle.... it was upsetting and scary and yet, I feel like it all needed to happen.

Our daughter was late and when I was taken in to get checked, the nurses performed the stress test to see if she was doing ok.  When she didn't respond to the loud noises, they induced me and we had her that night.  When she came, it became clear that the cord was not only around her neck, but also tied in a true knot, which cinched at her delivery.  So, needless to say, we believe her hearing loss saved her from further complications.  I will be honest, it took a while for me to see things that way.  My husband helped me to recognize it and after a short period of mourning for her, for her loss,  I felt fine.  My heart was healed by the Lord.  Our little girl was the one to teach me to be happy no matter what.  She smiled at me and progressed as happily as any child, reminding me that everything would be just fine.

Shortly after that, I became a mother of three overnight and just for 3 months.  No, I didn't have triplets, I just became a nanny for the summer.  It was hard and I was so exhausted, yet it taught me when push comes to shove, I could totally handle three kids.

Shortly after that, my husband decided to go back to school to become a chaplain and I chose my path and stayed at home to teach our daughter and be there with her always. My nanny job was over and the baby and I were together all the time, (all day and almost every evening) as my husband was at school after working all day.

I think this has been the hardest tender spot for me.  I have heard people say you need to re-invent yourself each time you have a baby and others insist that working a part time job will help stave off the baby blues.  But really, how do you keep a woman sane whose a people-person at heart?  I love being with the baby, but at this stage, things are too lonely and slow in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I can hear the voices out there insisting it will change, but no matter how many kids you have... Motherhood can be isolating.
I miss the chats I used to have with co-workers every morning.  I miss the days when I was in school and had classmates and discussions and papers to write.

Now I am learning how to keep to a budget (which I did great till December!) and find things to keep my heart happy so our little girl will have a sane, stable mommy (I must admit here that I have an addiction to shopping that has reared its ugly head.  Things started innocently by getting baby and I out of the  house, but budgets and casual shoe shopping do not go hand in hand).

Going to the gym also became my refuge in the morning.  I spent all year trying to get my body back after our girl was born and right around October, I figured I had lost a total of 33 lbs.  I had managed to lose the baby weight and then some.  But it wasn't just about getting into shape.  The gym became a place where I could listen to talks, books, scriptures, and music, and see other people. Plus, I got up early enough that both baby and husband slept the whole time I was gone.  The only drawback was my tired afternoons :)

Other things to cope... I learned how to make flower pins and small, button earrings that were baby friendly so I could try to be stylish and not lose my ear lobes during the grabbing stages.  I gave myself a schedule of what to clean and when, so our little apartment was somewhat in order.  I listened to a lot of music, watched movies,  found recipes and cooked more.  But what I really needed to do was to get out and visit others.  And now, I am realizing I created a monster.

Our little girl is the most social person I have ever met, besides me.  She blooms in front of random people at the grocery store and she can get the most downhearted to smile back at her.  Is it bad that I love the attention she brings?  I love hearing people's comments about her.  Sometimes they just comment on her to each other and I can over hear what they are saying.

Point is- I love seeing her bring out the best in others and I don't feel like I can take much credit for how she is.  But it is nice to think that what I do with her each day is bringing her up the best way possible.

So, yeah... this year has been a lot to handle.  A lot has come and a lot is coming.  Part of me is just excited for the things on the horizon... like the new Andrew Bird album and my sister-in-law's wedding, and the Hobbit movie, and my 30th birthday this year, and seeing our baby go from crawling like crazy to walking like crazy, and hearing some more words and hoping she gets some more hair.

Everyone says when you have a baby, it is the most exciting time of your life.  I argue that seeing them grow is what makes it worth it.  Not only that, but seeing yourself grow in the process has made a world of difference.

ps- the above image is from Threadless.com and is for a T-shirt for Mothers month.  I loved it and had to use it in this blog.