The Greatest

In the middle of the night, I hear one or two cars pass every hour, and if its raining I can tell by the splash of the tires on the pavement. Most of the time, my neighbors upstairs have turned off the music and all the washers and dryers have fallen quiet. The insurance offices across the street are lit with warm lights that come on once the sun goes down. While sitting on my couch, I can also see the traffic light switch from red to green to yellow to red again, cycling over and over. If the wind is blowing, I can hear it swish through my chimney and cause the pilot light to waver and wiggle. I have also noticed my little fish, Fugi, stays near the bottom of his bowl at night, as if he was resting from a hard day's work.

After two months of getting up at anywhere from 2:30 am to 4:30 am to feed my daughter, these are some of the things that occupy my mind. I watch and listen to the quiet. But last night was different. I wasn't a zombie eager to sleep. This time I was awake.

My daughter had finished her bottle and was changed. Usually this is when I try to get her back to bed so I can get back to bed. But last night she looked at me with wide eyes and her grin with dimples and I didn't care how tired I felt. Instead, I laid her flat on a blanket in our living room and sat above her. Looking up at me, she kicked her legs and wiggled her arms and sometimes looked like she was going to do the backstroke. She smiled and gurgled and did her best to talk to me. We were connected as I looked down at her, literally taken with her every look.

I realized I didn't want a thing to change. I wanted her exactly how she is and each smile from her was like payment for the all the hard stuff. I kept feeling these little surges of warm joy and it was like being in love all over again. I couldn't repress my own laughter. I was giddy and grateful and I wondered to myself who on this earth could resist the smiling face of a baby? Who could repress something so happy?

I pulled up close to her little ears and I told her she was the greatest (which also reminded me of a song by Cat Power called "the Greatest"). So, I grabbed my nano and played the song right next to her ears through the speaker on the outside. She seemed to like it.

Now our little girl has been smiling for sometime, but why was it so powerful last night? I think it was because the world and my mind were finally still. I got her message and as I smiled back and held her little hands with my fingers, I sent my own message in return.

A Horse Down a Well

The story goes that once a man had a beloved horse that fell down a well. The man did everything he could to save the animal but his efforts were in vain. The horse could not be rescued. So, wanting to put the painful experience behind him, the man decided to seal up the well and bury the horse. He called all the neighbors to come with shovels and everyone began to slowly shovel dirt into the long, narrow well.
As each shovel of dirt landed on the horse, he shook it off his back and stepped up. Eventually, after some time, the horse, had enough dirt piled up to scramble out of the well. **

The story is an illustration of how one animal learned how to survive when life threw dirt on his back. He shook it off and stepped up and eventually rose above all the dirt around him.

My husband shared this story with me this past evening when I was pretty worried about our new baby who now seems to have some permanent moderate hearing loss in both ears. This little baby, who I am still getting to know, may or may not recognize my voice. Ironically, she has never been happier, growing bigger and smiling more and more each day. Nothing seems to phase her. But, I sit here, worrying about her education and if the kids at school will treat her nicely, or if she will still learn to play the piano.

Health has always been so important to me. I have watched some of my dearest family struggle with terrible health problems and I myself took a little too long in my life to start taking care of myself the way I should. I guess this is why I hate the idea of having to watch my baby go through struggles too. But I guess that is love isn't it? Watching those you love, struggle and staying instead of walking away.

I'm grateful my husband told me this story the other night. It helped me realize that no matter what we face as a family, this is the point to decide how to react. Lay down and get buried, or shake it off and step up.


**This story is not my own but was in my husband's work newsletter "The Legacy Ledger."

Lent 2011

Wednesday March 9th, people all over the world will give up something for Lent. You may have read in past posts that I have given up such things as candy, buying music on itunes, and sugar for Lent. (Sugar is my truest vice). This year, I've decided that I am giving up chocolate for 40 days.

The last several months, I have wanted chocolate more than normal, but with things in the world like Lindt balls, Tim Tams, and cadbury chocolate bars, who can blame me?

Personally, I know that chocolate from Europe is the best. Cadbury rivals Hershey's time and time again and Cadbury is always victorious. In fact most chocolate and biscuits from Europe are always better over American versions. (except maybe girl scout cookies).

Living in New Zealand, I was introduced to the Tim Tam slam** in all its glory. But, I could not retain my joy when I discovered Pepperidge Farm bought Tim Tam's from Australia and they were finally available here in the U.S. in such places as Target for $2.50. I also owe a great deal to the amazing store World Market. Besides being the best place for Christmas shopping, it also has the best selection of Cadbury chocolates.

However, I am not a chocolate snob. I love my American chocolate. Butterfingers, Milky Way Dark, M&M's and even the long gone Hershey bar with mint cookie crumbles. American candy is a more simple way to go but it can easily take care of a chocolate craving. Ghiradelli is also a must. My family always craved Mrs. Cavanaugh's and I knew people who adored See's chocolates. Honestly, I like them all.

However, one item stands above all the rest, blowing a simple chocolate bar out of the water. It is a drink. A Vegan hot chocolate from the Hatch Family Chocolate Company. (I think they owe me a free drink by now due to how many people I have converted). I am not a Vegan, but something in their specific blend of ingredients in this particular drink equals joy to me. It is self-medication. They use soy milk which makes it taste even darker than their dark hot chocolate. I always order it with whipped cream too which gets some pretty weird looks when you are posing as a vegan, but it softens the dark tones. This drink usually has to be enjoyed in stages. Drinking it in one sitting leads to a heavy, unhappy tummy. I drink it slowly and put the rest in the fridge, heating it up the next day in the microwave. (Note, don't be alarmed if the drink is solid when taking it out of the fridge. This just means it is made with more pure chocolate than you may want to admit).

So, now do you see why I am choosing to sacrifice this for 40 days? I believe it will help my cause... which is to be less indulgent and to be grateful for what I take for granted. Let's just hope I don't lose my mind in the process.

** A Tim Tam slam is when you bite the two corners (kitty corner from each other) off of a Tim Tam cookie and then suck hot chocolate through it like a straw. The cookie will begin to melt and you will have to put the whole thing in your mouth before it falls apart. It also works with cold milk, though it is not called a slam.