"Leaves are most beautiful when they're about to die." -Regina Spektor

The truth is, as much as I love Autumn, I HATE encountering change.  I have never been one for adjusting to things when the world makes a shift under my feet and I have to find my balance again.

The summer of 2009 was going to be my reward for surviving my first year teaching Kindergarten. I was looking forward to it with more enthusiasm than I usually felt for Christmas. But as usual, life changed and I wasn't expecting to feel so bored, or so un-motivated.  I chose to work at an awkward clothing store (to make some extra money and keep busy) that in the end turned out to be a terrible reminder each day that I am far from the bone thin models plastered on every wall.  Instead, I made my summer into a deep challenge to love something I'd always hated.  I learned to hike.  I learned to get used to being out of breath and to have tired legs.  Soon, I bounced back quicker from each hike and I learned to love it.

Now, the change of seasons has passed over my head again and I am a few weeks into a new school year, teaching with a different teacher and a new group of kids.  Like a silly child myself, I miss my kids from last year.  I miss their faces and their comments.  Last year was the hardest year of my life and I never realized that I fell in love with those little ones.  

This year, my class looks different and they act different and I don't appreciate them yet.  Can I do it?  Can I love my kids this year as much as I did last year?

Something my husband said has been making more sense to me.  He quoted Regina Spektor to me and told me "We are always our best selves before a difficult trial..." or in my case before a change hits.  I learned how to love hiking and then, it got too cold to hike.  When I serve at a specific capacity in my church, I tend to get really good before the ground shifts and I am all out of balance again doing something unfamiliar.

My last blog entry demonstrated to me that I knew my kids well.  Now, everything has rewound and I am at the threshold of another year... sick with colds and trying to remember what patience felt like.

Something in me, tells me that the longer a tree grows and the more seasons it survives, the stronger it gets.  So, maybe this year, some of my knowledge will return and I will be stronger than I was last year.  Teaching has drained me of my patience and my health and sometimes my sanity, but in the end, I feel like I am doing something important.  Maybe I am being prepared for the greater work of being a mother.