Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Beauty is...

On one of the my last bike rides of the season, I rode past an elementary school.  Their marquee displayed the Reflections theme for this year.   The theme was "Beauty is..."

At that moment, as I rode past, out of breath, I was thinking to myself that beauty was pain. That is what we always hear right? Whether it is from pinching eyelashes between a small silver torture device, or pouring burning liquids on the skin to remove unwanted hair... beauty has always been pain.  We live in a world that cuts, squeezes, shaves, scrubs, plucks, and scalds to perfect our bodies into what we "think" is beauty.  Sadly I, like many have fallen into the trap that beauty=pain.  I have pulled myself out of bed at all hours to exercise.  I have deprived myself of some of the best foods and agonized over every bite I take.  I have also burned and twisted my hair and applied and re-applied make-up until I felt like I was beautiful. As I rode my bike, and felt the soft and steady pound of my heart, I tried to remember what I was doing was good for me. 
So, is Beauty only seen by the eyes?  Is it only visual?

I've also heard beauty is confidence.  No matter what you look like, if you have confidence others will see you as beautiful.  Could that be true?  I remember hearing a story about Marilyn Monroe (an american icon of beauty) that she could walk into a room and get noticed, not because of her body or smile... but because she could turn her light on and off.  That "light" was essentially confidence.  So, is beauty something inside?

Or, could beauty be talent?  Most people find beauty in what is offered by dancers, singers, artists, writers, and actors.  I have watched in awe as the talents of others have lit up a room or a stage and have left me feeling tempted to compare myself to their light.  
Some also say that true beauty is found in nature.  It is found in the symmetry of flowers or the cold, crisp mountains against a blue sky.  Others find beauty in the rain and the dark storms that haunt late summers.  Or the changing leaves before the November release and all is left bare before winter.

The day I was riding my bike past the elementary school, I was not trying to attain a perfect image of beauty, but to get my body moving after a long day at school.  I wanted to exercise and use my body to accomplish something. God makes beauty and the greatest gift is to see someone or something or (the hardest task) to see yourself as beautiful.  I know that God's idea of beauty is not the world's spidery thin model with black make-up.  But I do know that in nature, we enjoy as much imperfection as perfection and that both were made by God and he sees both as beautiful.  So, why is it so hard to see ourselves as beautiful?  I think I spend too much time judging myself against an impossible scale.  I am who I am and though I may continue to learn how to improve, God sees my best efforts as beautiful and he can teach me to see myself in such a light.

anyone who agrees... check out the movie, Evoultion on www.dove.us  It  is a perfect example of why the world makes it so hard to love ourselves as we are.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

"Leaves are most beautiful when they're about to die." -Regina Spektor

The truth is, as much as I love Autumn, I HATE encountering change.  I have never been one for adjusting to things when the world makes a shift under my feet and I have to find my balance again.
The summer of 2009 was going to be my reward for surviving my first year teaching Kindergarten. I was looking forward to it with more enthusiasm than I usually felt for Christmas. But as usual, life changed and I wasn't expecting to feel so bored, or so un-motivated.  I chose to work at an awkward clothing store (to make some extra money and keep busy) that in the end turned out to be a terrible reminder each day that I am far from the bone thin models plastered on every wall.  Instead, I made my summer into a deep challenge to love something I'd always hated.  I learned to hike.  I learned to get used to being out of breath and to have tired legs.  Soon, I bounced back quicker from each hike and I learned to love it.

Now, the change of seasons has passed over my head again and I am a few weeks into a new school year, teaching with a different teacher and a new group of kids.  Like a silly child myself, I miss my kids from last year.  I miss their faces and their comments.  Last year was the hardest year of my life and I never realized that I fell in love with those little ones.  

This year, my class looks different and they act different and I don't appreciate them yet.  Can I do it?  Can I love my kids this year as much as I did last year?

Something my husband said has been making more sense to me.  He quoted Regina Spektor to me and told me "We are always our best selves before a difficult trial..." or in my case before a change hits.  I learned how to love hiking and then, it got too cold to hike.  When I serve at a specific capacity in my church, I tend to get really good before the ground shifts and I am all out of balance again doing something unfamiliar.

My last blog entry demonstrated to me that I knew my kids well.  Now, everything has rewound and I am at the threshold of another year... sick with colds and trying to remember what patience felt like.

Something in me, tells me that the longer a tree grows and the more seasons it survives, the stronger it gets.  So, maybe this year, some of my knowledge will return and I will be stronger than I was last year.  Teaching has drained me of my patience and my health and sometimes my sanity, but in the end, I feel like I am doing something important.  Maybe I am being prepared for the greater work of being a mother.