alone

I hate math. I always have and I know EXACTLY where it stemmed from.... a boy named Dusty. I am sure he is grown and his red-speckled mullet has been trimmed to something respectable. I bet he is an accountant or in financial planning. I'm sure he is married and has maybe one or two kids. But, for a brief period in first grade, he made my life a living hell.

Back in Mrs. Pickett's class, we were given daily math assignments and knowing first graders weren't any good with homework, we were required to finish before lunch. However, this meant concentration for people like me, who loved talking more than addition and subtraction problems. It was hard for me, and a young red-haired boy who hated my enthusiam and creative mind, loved teasing. We were told sternly if we didn't finish our problems, we would stay behind in the class during lunch and work while everyone else ate. Now, I don't think it ever happened to me, but daily I lived in fear of never finishing and having to stay behind. Where would I sit when I got done? Who would I play with at recess? Where would I go? Dusty's taunting brought me to tears on more than one occasion and I hated him with all of my might. He simply knew my weakness.

As I went through school, I continued to face the same fears of being alone at lunch or recess or even on the weekends. I was in love with people and if I was bad, being sent to my room as a kid was the WORST punishment. I couldn't stand being alone.

Now, I am 25 and feeling some of the same childish fears re-surface in areas of my life. I am a young single woman, graduated from college, working a desk job. In front of me, I have too many options to count. But, I feel like I am stuck in an elaborate project from elementary school. We are being faced with a very large task, that would be much easier to accomplish with a partner. I have been watching since I was 18 as many of my friends hooked arms with a partner and started working on their elaborate project in this life. I am content to work alone for the time, but some of my fears are rushing back.


Let me back up again...

At the end of May, something occurred to me; I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I owed my happiness to two things. Number 1- I was finally feeling useful. Dreading my 25th birthday, I decided to make it as memorable as possible. I had recently made a list of 25 things to do before I reached 25 and I was goals accomplishing my goals. It was like the joy of school but without grades. I was doing new things and embracing what I had always wanted to try. My list consisted of everything from making an apple pie from scratch to going sky-diving on my 25th birthday. Happily, I worked through June and learned so much.

Now, my second reason for being happy? Number 2- I was loved. I was not only making myself useful, but I was supported. The beginning of the year had been tough as I had seen another relationship fall through. But something I didn't expect had blossomed and I had connected with another person who shared himself with me. This realtionship was never easy, but I was learning more about myself than I ever had. And, when I woke up in the morning, I literally felt loved. The experience of loving and being loved was more like an awesome light. I literally was filled with light.

So, what do these things have to do with being alone? Well, I want to focus on one of my list items and how it reminded me of what matters in this life.

The day before my birthday, I had only two items left to be checked off. One was to go sky diving, which was all set up for the next day. But the other item was still in question. I had wanted to go to Lagoon, but no one I knew could go with me and my interest in going to a teen-filled amusement park on a friday night, was dissolving quickly. At my desk during the work day, my mind raced as I thought of what I could do to pull this other item off. Suddenly it occurred to me, I would like to visit the Red Butte Gardens in Salt Lake City. I had never been there and I wanted to enjoy this last item. The guy I was dating at the time wanted to throw out his plans and come with me, but I told him, I needed to do it alone.




So, directly after work in my dressy work clothes, I drove to the Gardens, paid my fee, and walked in, alone. At first being alone was not what I wanted. The Gardens were full of couples and people taking wedding photos in fields of flowers. But, somehow, peace filled me. I walked though the medicinal herb garden, scented garden, and down to the duck pond to watch the first friday in June fold away under the mountain. Looking back on my birthday, even compared to jumping out of a plane the next day, I was most grateful to spend some time by myself.





Now, the summer has swept in, full heat, and brought me to my knees. My favorite season has begun to curl the leaves of the trees and change the color of my skin. The year is folding away like my first Friday in June and I am facing different decisions. Many of which I will be asked to make alone. Where do I want to go from here? What is most important to me right now? The girl who was scared of eating her lunch alone is now trying to live her life. It is time to fill myself with that same light I felt in May. Few things in this life are constant. Change is what we came here to feel. But, I firmly believe people come into your life to teach love. People naturaly fill each other, but we choose to accept or reject what we offer each other. The day I went to the Gardens, I was not alone. God filled me with the light I felt from others when I was with them. It is love that fills and teaches no matter who you are with. And no matter how scary things get, "Perfect love caseth out all fear."