“Righteous love comes so naturally and so beautifully
that it is apparent that there is a
special providence about it.”—Boyd K. Packer
This post has been rattling around in the recesses of my brain for sometime, but I have had a hard time trying to organize these thoughts. However, in honor of Valentine's Day, I believe it is time to step up and deliver. I need to get down in words many of the "theories" I've adopted. This post will give a bit of my own background in love and what I believe.
Let me start out with the fact that I am single. I am in my twenties and have never been married or engaged. So, I am not an expert in love. However, I have learned a lot about myself in the last two years worth of realtionships. My disclaimer is that these opinions are just opinions.
My early experiences with love were just the typical crush. The earliest crushes of my life consisted of a constant flow of thoughts and excitment towards one boy, either in my class, neighborhood, or somtimes my older brother's best friend. I can't even begin to name all of my crushes. Many of them were fleeting, but intense... only on my part of course. In fact, I remember going through a phase where I firmly believed you impress the person you like by trying to insult them. I guess it was the notion of trying to be "one of the guys" earned you respect. But, then you get treated like one of the guys. Yes, this was a terrible idea and it never quite yielded the results I wanted.
But, the older I got, the more I learned. Usually I liked one my of my guy friends and nothing came of it except me being their "best friend." The guy would come to me and talk about the girl they really liked. I gave great advice because I wanted them to be happy. Then, I hurt. This phase of my life has been steady for years.
Eventually I hit a phase in my life where the guys I fell for, began to like me back. It was an impressive thing to have your feelings returned. Through college, I dated and continued to learn about myself. Somewhere in 2003, I sat with a friend of mine and sorted out my own theories on love. I broke down my views on love into three charateristics every woman wants in a man. Let me explain....
It is easiest to see as a triangle. I call it the "Love Triangle" and it consists of three factors; the Darth Vader Factor, the Geek Factor, and the Intrigue Factor.
The Darth Vader Factor can best be described by the following: Women want a man who could be bad, but isn't. This means, we don't want a guy who is evil, but someone who may have had a darker side at one time, (or could have had a darker side) and has
chosen to be good. He is the guy who has chosen goodness over rebellion. Now, it could be debated Darth Vader was a REALLY evil guy for sometime, but he also saved his son in the end, and he was never all bad like everyone believed. The key to this factor is knowing where someone's heart is.
The Geek Factor can really be described as the small things the guy will do that gives him weakness. If he waves to you when he sees you and then trips, it is cute. Most guys don't understand this, but women don't want a guy who is perfect. We want to feel equal and it is good to see a guy's flaws.
The Intrigue Factor is hard to describe. But, it is the factor that is different for everyone. Every guy has talents, and shines in their own unique way. Sometimes an accent will be intriguing, or his ability to speak another language or make really good ommlettes. This factor involves personal aptitude. Sometimes just the way he looks at you can make you WANT TO KNOW HIM.
Triangles can be skewed since almost no guys are a "perfect triangle." But, I have also noticed one thing about the triangle theory... Women tend to be attracted to the factor they are lacking. For example, if a girl has been a "goody two shoes" all her life, she may be more attracted to the Darth Vader types. I guess you can say, "opposites attract." But, remember to give all factors a place. Too much of any one thing can be bad.
So, that is the break down I came up with several years ago. It makes sense for the most part. I still believe in the Love Triangle, but in many ways, I have grown up a lot. I now see guys as hopefully they see me... fellow human beings, with facets and flaws, despartely trying to make the best of an uncertain future. Really, the key is to keep moving. There will always be exceptions to every rule and once you decide something, you will have to eat your words. Even theories only go so far. Relationships allow us to learn about ourself.
For instance, I somehow survived a phase of my life that was nothing but blind dates (It can be REALLY terrible to have parents who met on a blind date). Most of the time, they were bad. REALLY BAD. But, the best blind date I ever went on turned into a 4 month realtionship that taught me a lot about myself. I don't regret my experiences. Somtimes, I regret my ridiculous behavior when I have been in "love." But, I am grateful for all of it.
When it comes down to it, I believe in love. I believe love is natural. I believe when you start wanting to spend a lot of time with someone, ask yourself why. I believe in COMPLETE honesty. AND I MEAN THAT!!! Yes, there is something to be said for timing... but without communication and honesty, you two can never be on the same page. And, being on the same page with someone is literally joy. I believe in finding someone who brings out your best self
and your most genuine side. I believe in loving every bit of someone... all their facets and flaws. I believe in moving on and I believe in second chances. I believe in choices.
One day, I was talking to my grandmother about love. I saw how she and my grandpa lived a devoted, loving life together. In my religion, when two people are married, they are married for eternity. The idea always scared me so badly. I didn't know how you could KNOW. I believe God will help us know, but how can that decision ever be made? How can you REALLY KNOW? Then it hit me... you won't. Not at first anyway. You will hopefully find someone as dedicated to you as much as you are to them... and you move on from there. You will spend the rest of eternity spending your life with someone, growing and loving them more and more. You don't start out at level 10, but work the rest of your life to get there. In the end, you examine all options and you choose. Then, you move forward without fear.
I believe the scripture that says Love conquers all fear. I don't think anything could be any more true. Love is having faith in somone. I have taken risks. I have moved forward. And others have taken risks on me and have given freely. Someone has had faith in me and to me, that is love. I have chosen love.
